3/27/21 1:07am in The Troubled Mind of a Helpless Teen

I feel quite empty and idk why. like numb to everything. talking to people is taking so much effort. we made characters today for each other and i was happy for a moment but i felt exhausted after it and i cant pinpoint why. i missed out on swim too. i told mom my shoulder was bugging me all day, and my shoulder hurts a little, but not enough to miss swim. now i feel lazy and unproductive. but still mostly empty. i really want to lay with someone rn. not in those nasty nasty ways. i just wanna fall asleep with someone. not just next to them, but holding them, or being held by them. it’s like i crave that human presence, which doesn’t line up with me being so socially exhausted. then again, i wouldn’t be socializing. i’d just be wrapped in soemtimes arms and tucked into their chest, or have someone cradles against me while i hold them. either is fine, though ig currently i’d prefer to be held rather than to hold. idk. i keep trying to sleep but i feel like crying bc i just want that warmth. i wanna fall asleep to someone else’s breathing pattern, enveloped in someone else’s scent rather than my overpowering chlorine. it’s making me want to be older so that i can move out and search for this, but i like being this young as long as i am not dealing with the responsibilities of a schedule that comes with it. i really wanna cry bc i cant have this. even in the rare times i see the poly group, i know i cant have it. we aren’t thag comfortable yet. or at least they aren’t with me. we don’t feel confident enough in each other the way they do with one another. the desire to be folded in someone’s arms is bringing back the urge to text daniel, too. the number still sits in a hidden storage compartment of my brain. i think it’s scared there. idk why it isn’t fading like the rest of the number and formulas in my head. i never type the number out. i know that if i did i wouldn’t stop myself from sending the message. there’s no point to it anyways. it’s not like testing him will result in the immediate hug i need. i need to find a costco bear. i can cuddle with thag until i find someone to fall asleep with, or until we become comfortable enough to fall asleep together.

i forgot: apologies in advance. on my phone i use acronyms and i just don’t have the energy to undo them. additionally i figure that nobody knows who i am and therefore will not know the names of the people i speak of, so my nonexistent energy will not be run out finding weird epithets for each person.