Darkness in First entry

July 1st .... I would guess I have an entry from a year ago. I’ll probably check after I write this. I was in hell. I was in pure darkness wishing for death. Like literally contemplating, figuring out how to make it happen. My life was over. After 15 year of staying committed and doing everything I was supposed to, it was over. My family was going to be ripped apart and I was powerless. It’s not easy to write that. I can still remember the thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. I was stuck, alone, in a hotel by myself in a different state. I had to be there. It was terrible. I was in hell. Dark, fing hell just wanting the pain to end.

Fast forward a year. I’m far from hopeless. I sometimes feel like I’m in a hole, but by no means am I powerless. I don’t write that to tell anyone to suck it up. It’s going to be ok. If you would have told me that, I very well may have punched you right in the mouth. No, I’m here to say to hold on until tomorrow. You are brave and you are absolutely justified to feel how you do. Your feeling are real. You are shattered and broken. I was too. I really was. Go back and read my posts you will see. I was worthless. You’re not alone. If you don’t know how you can make it until the morning, make it until midnight and then aim for the morning. Make it until the next hour. Just hold on. No matter how much you feel unvalued, someone somewhere loves you. There is someone that would miss your smile, they would blame themselves. They would wonder why. Why didn’t you call them? Why didn’t they mean enough to you for you to let them try. You can do this. Breathe. Sometimes you just have to stop everything and just be a pile of broken and shattered pieces and breathe. I’m going to do this. If you are there right now. Message me on here. What I want you to do right this moment is to promise me something. Before you do anything to harm yourself. You will call that one person you have always counted on. There has to be one. Then I want you to tell them you love them and you are in a dark place. That you aren’t giving up yet and then you’re going to promise them that before you take any action, you will call them.

The world is filled with people that have been shattered. I would love to come here with rainbows and unicorns and say my life is great. I’m killing it. The truth is, sometimes, I just have to remember to breathe. Make it until the morning or the end of the day. Get through making dinner. I have good days and for the most part, things are good. I just felt like someone out there needed to hear this. Right now someone’s world is being completely shattered and they are feeling hopeless, helpless and just praying for death. In the darkness, breathe and make it to the next step.

If you can’t think of anyone to call, promise me you will call the National Suicide help line. (800) 273-8255. There’s nothing wrong with getting help when you need it and personally, I think you are brave an hell for reaching out! Don’t give up. Breathe and focus on making it to the morning. When you reach the morning, make it to lunch. I love you all and please know that you are braver than you will ever know!