Splayed in Just A Day In The Life

I had a bit of a mental break yesterday. The whole thing was triggered by PMS but it was still rooted in the truth of my inner feelings.

I went to get ready for dance and remembered that the boots I normally dance in were ruined in a flood on my vacation to Puerto Rico and I now have no other shoes to wear to dance in if I’m not in a studio. The boots that I had had before were from target so I dropped into the target by my house. They only had ONE pair left and it was a HALF size too small. I had already had a frustrating day at work and my favorite pair of tights got ripped by one of the kids I work with. I also had my favorite pair of sandals broken on my trip.

All of this damage to things that I really enjoyed has been adding up. After Jason (because that’s his real name) robbed me of my mental stability and physical safety he also robbed me of my savings account. I have been struggling with the feeling of dread when I have to spend money. Last year I kicked my ass working LONG stressful hours, sacrificing time with my family, friends, dance, and holidays so that I could reach a point where I was financially stable and secure. Jason took all of that away from me.

He came in and tricked me out of everything I had worked so hard for. A year of my life turned to dust. It kills me mentally every time I have to spend money because I no longer have the financial security to afford the things I worked so hard to be able to provide for myself.

So yesterday I lost it. My hormones were raging and the weight of the world was too heavy. I broke down as soon as Eduardo took me into his arms. With him, I can let my hard exterior soften because I know that he won’t hurt me. I know that I can trust him to be strong for both of us in my moments of weakness. I cried into his chest as I admitted to what has been gnawing at my mind since the day we meet.

I don’t feel good enough for him. Not in the way that I think I don’t deserve him but in the way that I wish I could give him the ‘me’ that I was before Jason destroyed me. It’s not fair that Eduardo has only discovered the ruins of what I once was. Now I feel splayed out, vulnerable, weak. The armor that I had so much faith in, that I had built to protect myself had been sliced through like butter without me even seeing it coming. I am rebuilding and he is ok with that but I’m not. I’m still SO filled with rage over what happened to me and that I will never have justice for what was taken from me. Eduardo wants to help me rebuild but I am struggling with accepting help, I am not a person who is good at accepting financial help because I should be able to do that for myself, I worked HARD to do be able to do that for myself.

He wants to provide and take care of me but I wanted to be able to show my life partner that I can be strong for both of us and I’m finding out that was taken from me too. Another thing that was snatched from me. I love that Eduardo wants to buy me things that I need and want but it kills my ego to accept that from him… along with the financial the emotional scars are still healing. I catch myself not trusting my gut because I now know that I am not as untrickable as I once that I was.

Eduardo is my soulmate. I know that, but the puckering scars on my trust in myself itch with the thought that I might be missing something even though I know I’m not. The phantom itch is easy to dismiss but every once in a while the unscratchable irritation is grueling.

As I spilled these festering thoughts that I had never been able to share with Eduardo, I could see him processing the shame I feel and I know it pained him to hear how much I still hurt. I had never shared these feelings because some part of me thought that if he found out how broken I am he wouldn’t want me anymore or worse… which is my current reality. That he loves me anyway. That he is willing to carry me because I am broken. I am adding to the weight of HIS world, his load is now heavier because of ME. I feel so much SHAME.

I HATE THAT

We will get through this together but it is going to be a long journey. I am glad that I no longer have to go it alone. I will learn to accept help.

Last updated June 30, 2021