Adapting in First entry

Today I felt fairly normal. It feels like there’s a chance that I can eventually feel normal again. I’ve started forcing myself into better sleeping patterns. Going to bed earlier, and getting up at a more reasonable time. I’ve been reflecting on everything. Tomorrow will be the last normal night I had before my world was shattered. I think back to the feeling of normalcy. How everything was going to be ok. I remember her telling me she didn’t want to leave. We were going to make it. In two days from now it will be a year from the first time I know they were together and the lies began. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year. I made it to this point. Through everything. All of the hell. I have survived to this point. I look around and I’m surprised at how many people have moved on. It’s like whatever at this point. I can’t explain it. One of the things that has really surprised me is how many “Godly” people are now hearing and liking her post with her baby and new boyfriend. I guess it’s weird. I suppose it shouldn’t be super surprising. I am not a perfect Christian, but at the same time I try to somewhat live out my values. Either way, clearly it’s not my problem. I feel like tomorrow will be a rough day. Maybe not because I’m expecting it. I just need to stay focused.

I want to get the kids back into counseling. My son got into two fights at school last week. His mom spoke to the teacher, but not a word to me. I’m sure she blames me…whatever I feel like I’m past caring about what she thinks. I will keep doing the best thing for the kids. When I talked to my son about the fights he said he was defending himself. One kid tried to cut in line and when my son said something the kid kicked him. The second he was joking with a kid and the other kid got mad and started punching him. We started talking about how people perceive our actions and sometimes my son can surely be a little socially awkward. He said he just wants his friends to laugh and like him. It seemed that our conversation went well overall. He has done much better this week.

I was proud of myself. This morning my daughter’s flat twists were looking a bit rough. I took them out, moisturized, detailed and put two puff pigtails in her hair in like 10 minutes. I’m starting to get a bit faster with her hair styles. Thankfully we have com a long ways. A year ago hair day would create so much anxiety in her. Now she gets excited.

I keep reminding myself that we are going to be ok. I try to let the small stuff go. I try to improve on my failures and continue to pray that my actions will be enough to keep them on track. They were on a path that I never had the opportunity to have. They had it made. Now they can still achieve their goals, we just have to make sure we are intentional with our actions. All in time.