prompt: cast, title: court mandated disclaimer in misc. flash fiction

  • June 21, 2021, 11:07 p.m.
  • |
  • Public

It’s a tragedy you could set your wrist-watch to, if people still wore watches: with the release of each new Jurassic Park film, there is the inevitable wave of families across the country adopting baby dinosaurs for their suddenly-paleobsessed children. And in that short-term, who can really blame them? They are indeed adorable with their grasping little claws, their questing wee teeth, their darting predatory eyes, searching always for fresh vulnerable meat sources. The trouble is, just like those human children, they grow up faster than you think and then what will you do?

Hi, I’m Chris Pratt and you may know me from any of the seven Marvel Comics films releasing this month, I have at least two lines in each of them, or indeed from the new Jurassic Park series. I don’t remember the titles either. Jurassic Park Reloaded, Too Jurassic Too Furious, Parking 2: Jurassic Boogaloo, what’s important is all the checks cleared. At any rate, on behalf of the entire cast of all those films, I’m here to talk to you about not making the same dino-mistake this year.

What looks like a cool little lizard the Saturday morning after the latest premiere in a little tank in young Suzy or Billy’s room will soon grow into a mighty thunder-lizard indeed. Despite the best of intentions, within a year, hundreds of thousands of snarling prehistoric soon-behemoths are flushed down the toilet for sewage workers to contend with or “taken to a very nice reptile zoo upstate” as far as the children are told but abandoned by the roadside just past the suburbs. So many dairy cattle have been fangoriously devoured. Some have dubbed it “Cowmaggedon.”

This isn’t to say that they can’t be trained into fine, if particularly large, pets but you just have to understand what you’re getting into from the start. When you adopt a dinosaur, you are adopting it for life, you are providing it with a raptorever home, a decades-long sacred commitment. Your choice doesn’t just affect you or even just the pet you’ve let down, The Connecticut Containment Wall is one of the largest infrastructure projects in North American history and those are your tax dollars at work! If you cannot care for your pterodactyl or apatosaurus for its entire life cycle, it’s your patriotic duty to “Say Neg To The Egg”. You’ve seen the educational films and full-colour informational posters at your local DMVs. “Don’t Adopt Dinos-More or You’ll Be Dino-Sore.”

Is this our fault as actors or as filmmakers for encouraging an unrealistic portrayal of prehistoric awesomeness? My lawyers have instructed me to make no direct admissions of guilt. But as part of Universal Studios current settlement with the United States government I, Chris Pratt, implore you to not give in to your children’s pleas for an adorable dinosaur after attending a screening of our newest film “Jurassic Park 4: Jurassic Parkour”. Maybe get them a baby chick instead. If you think about it, chickens are practically dinosaurs anyway.

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