June 3rd - The Last To Say in 2020 - public

I’ve binged three seasons of Breaking Bad in two days, hiding in the dark, only leaving for Portillos and AA.

I feel bad but it’s an entirely different kind of bad.

I didn’t know why I put so much faith into this relationship working at first. I thought I owed it to her - if you look back to the very first entries I made - its been about how I didn’t think I gave her my best version of myself and I hated being a drunk and ruining it. Because of that, I drank myself into a deep depression and tried to hurt myself. Then the rollercoaster of living with demons versus taking a way out happened over the years and when she actually reached out in February and wanted to at least rekindle a friendship, I got too excited I think. It was about redemption. Should have realized how easily I ignored so many red flags - she was visibly depressed and vocally unsettled about her life; she was technically still dating her girlfriend and seeing other people while trying to strike up whatever she was trying with me. Then when we connected again, we took off too fast, again.

My recovery was sacrificed for her happiness and my longing to show her that I could be what I thought she needed.

The clearness should have been in realizing that she still didn’t know what she wanted and she still kept saying how she needed to work on herself and what was best for her and then constantly hurting herself emotionally.

We were never on the same page in terms of what the word love actually meant. I’m not denying that she loved me in any sense - but I was willing to take a back seat to try and help. I was never not supportive, in this relationship attempt, but I could see how she was still battling herself - it wasn’t any different than three years ago - and my mistake was trying to not add on to it. I should have never let us get into a romantic relationship again but I was hopelessly devoured in romanticism and eager to show that I had made enough changes to my life and especially in the alcohol and drug usage senses, to be worthy of showing her that we could be a functional life long couple.

I got scared eventually, tried to push her away, she pushed back but I could see that the damage had been done and we ended up where we were years ago - loving one another but not able to put personal struggles, ambitions and selfishness aside to give our relationship actual love.

I put her through a lot emotionally. She’s definitely put me through a lot emotionally. If you can’t support one another while doing that, is it really worth it?

My current landlord is a paraplegic home bound man. He contracted meningitis and it ended up crippling him and taking away most of his vision and daily functioning. My other landlord, his wife, has been there ever since everything happened to him. She goes about her day by setting him up in his chair and gets him situated to be in his recliner for the day while she goes to work. She works five days a week. This amazing lady has also been battling cancer for the last five or so years that I have known her. The stress of the whole situation is definitely there; I’ve heard my fair share of screaming, yelling, crying and growling about life and its battles. They also tell each other ‘I love you’ every single day. The support is there through the stress and the personal struggle.

I just unfairly and unjustly thought that could be me again this time, and I’m hurt it wasn’t, but I feel like I didn’t have anything left to hide and everything was out on the table this time. She just wasn’t the same. I’ll always be in love with her and because of that, I can’t give her the friendship she wants - I’ll always be jealous of her accomplishments without me and that’s not fair.

I’m done being sad and mad about the situation and I’m back to struggling in my head about working through my future and getting healthy enough to make sure I make it through another day.