Shattered in First entry

You turned my world upside down. You completely shattered my entire existence. I was unstoppable, yet you brought me to my knees. You stole my youth and used me for everything you could. You found and achieved your dreams, but it cost me mine. You are the worst kind of thief. You robbed me of my purpose and future. As I watched everything I knew about this world crumble, you were running to your fantasy. What’s even worse is you blamed me. You carved out my heart, shoved the knife in my hand and told me it was my fault. The feeling of being hollow, completely emptied of everything I was, will be something I’ll never get out of the void where my heart once was. No, I don’t want you back. I devoted my life to you. Sadly, that was my life’s biggest regret. I’m left here wondering if it’s even possible to truly love or is that some fantasy that I wished for. I don’t know if love even truly exists. Are people capable of truly loving one another? I don’t know. Maybe they just stick it out to not be alone. I thought we were unshakable. The possibilities for our future were endless.

I think back to all the sacrifices. The 60 hour weeks combined with working weekends for the Reserves. Everything to build a future that was stable and now it’s shattered. Gone without a trace. You robbed me of that.

I fight to keep my humanity. It takes every part of my being to not grow bitter. To not wish that you have to watch someone do to your son, what you have done to me. I have my weak moments. The moments where I just want to see you suffer, but I fight it. You may have stolen my past and my vision of the future, but I will be damned if I let you steal my humanity and character. I don’t know if I’ll ever find happiness. I can’t imagine letting go of the control I have on my life. How did I trust you so much? How did I leave aspects of my life in your hand. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it is my fault for allowing myself to give you so much control and power in my world. Maybe I should have asked who you were talking to more often. I should have watched you more closely. Would that have prevented it? I don’t know. I’ll never know.

My heart is shattered and in my hand I have a million little pieces that I have to figure out how to put together. I hope it was worth it. I hope that as you move forward, everything that you have or you will have reminds you of the sacrifices that it took to get you there. All of the times you turned to me with your problems and I helped to guide you. I hope you see your job and you remember it was my idea for you to get your Masters. All the night you said you couldn’t understand it and I encouraged you to just keep going.

You took my everything and you did it without care. Recklessly you threw it all away only taking the things you found of value. You left me in pieces.

I still have a million questions. Different than they were at the beginning. I faced those fears. I’ve continued to press on, but I still hurt. I wi.come.back stronger. I have the pieces picked up, now I have to figure out how to put them together.