Words in First entry

I saw this today and it was like my heart had been given lips to speak. It’s been such a long journey. I’ve battled for months that have felt like years. I never knew heartbreak until last year. But now I am stronger.

“”It’s been a long road since you. The one journey I was never more sure of, became the most difficult one to come back from. And I’m still going down the list of lessons and mistakes, wrong turns and detours, memories and nightmares. I never wanted you to be a lesson learned the hard way, but you were, and here I am picking up the pieces. What can I say, you turned my world upside down and didn’t even stay to watch how hard everything broke when it hit bottom. I can’t undo how you made me feel, it still breaks my heart. You taught me so well how to hate myself, I’m still learning how to stop. And it’s been a long road since you; the one journey I was never more sure of became the one that I still can’t forgive myself for.”

-Stephanie Bennett-Henry

As I read it, I was flooded with memories. Laughs, smiles, victories and celebrations. I also remember the feelings of never being good enough, betrayal of affairs, begging to be good enough. I remember being so afraid of becoming just another statistic. This king if I can just work harder, I can be good enough. Thinking I I could make her dreams come true, we will be happy. I wasn’t a perfect husband. I have my own faults and I can’t say everything falls on her. But, I accepted her faults. I loved her through her fits of rage. I would try to work on the things she didnt like, but then there would be something else. All the while, I believed of I worked hard enough we would workout.

I’ve come to realize there’s nothing I could have done to save it. I was never going to be good enough, but that’s not a reflection of me. I had my.entire existence wrapped up in our life together. It was all a facade. Nothing but a dream and a wishful though. Part of me wants to run and hide and never open myself to that hurt again. On the other side of the coin, part of me longs to have that person that I can love and will love me too. Which leave me at a fork in the road. I am not ready to get a girlfriend. I realize that. The truth is that I have people interested. Heck, I would say I like them back. But I am not taking that leap. I have to heal. I want to stand on my own two feet and not run somewhere just because it feels nice. There will be time for that. Right now I have to create my own vision. Then, as time goes on, if someone wants to join me on the walk they can, but they have to accept me for who I am. Love me for who I am and not hope they can make me the person they want. I want to feel my value in my heart.

My question is how do I do this though? How do I say hey I’m going this way you can come too and we can walk this path together. If not, good luck. I mean there aren’t two identical people with that same vision, right? There’s give and take and condiseration for the other person. It can’t be all about me. That’s selfish. I fear that is where the slippery slope begins. You give in here and then there and then next thing you know, you have given up who you are and what you want. You have reshaped your world for them. For what? So they can turn and stab you in the back? Rip your world apart. Is it even possible to truly open yourself up again after having your world shattered? This is why I don’t have a girlfriend. Lol. I suppose there is time to figure it all out.

Right now, I’m focused on. The stability of the children. This has taken a toll on them, as much as it’s taken a toll on me. They are struggling to understand why their mom left. They are struggling to understand why they can’t see their mom unsupervised. Why is everything so different. The hardest part is I can’t explain it. I know why their mom left. She left to go be with another man. She felt that this family and life we created wasn’t enough. You can’t see her unsupervised because she knowingly violated the judge’s order. She was fully aware of the consequences and she place her boyfriend and his involvement as a higher importance than times with you. I have to stick to the answer of “I can’t answer why mom has done anything.” She keeps telling them that when they get older, she will explain it. Oh I have no doubt it will become abundantly clear when they get older. Mom left and got pregnant 2 months later. Mom move out and.in with her boyfriend. No doubt the facts are clear, but now isn’t the time for spite. Not I have to shelter them as much as possible and just remind them that their mom loves them. I have to remember all the small things that they would do and try to incorporate that into our lives. It’s time to break bad habits and learn healthy ones. It’s so incredibly difficult to teach kids to start picking up for themselves when they never have had that responsibility. It’s a constant battle of showing grace because you know they are struggling and holding them accountable.

It’s interesting that she keeps blaming me for taking the steps I have out of spite. She has no clue how much easier life would be if the entire burden didn’t fall on me. Anyone that would choose this out of spite is a fool. The entire burden falls.on my shoulders. Absolutely everything! What she fails to realize it is her actions that drive the need for boundaries. When she tells.my son he will never be as successful as she is or when he is trying to be involved and she tells him to go away. Every lie she tells him and he catches her in, is just another wall she places betweem them. When there’s 35 pages of information that she ignores and only focuses on 11 words. No, you don’t have them as a priority and there’s no way in hell I’m going to let you hurt them more. They have been through enough. She fails to realize it’s so incredibly difficult to shop for Easter or any other holiday for that matter when the kids are with me 24/7. Who would take this on for spite?