Anniversary in First entry

Today it struck me, I haven’t typed in a while. This month is my 1 year anniversary on here. It is bitter sweet. I find it interesting how much difference a year makes. In a year my world has been shattered and the process of rebuilding has begun. 16 years....gone. Just wasted time. Yeah sure, I wouldn’t be where I am at had I not walked the path. It’s interesting how things change. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve grown as a human. I’ve found contentment. At the same time, I feel exhausted. I’ve reached a point where I no longer need to reply to her threats and accusations. I no longer need to justify myself. Her power is gone. Yes, sometimes it really hurts, but I am a man of value and her choices will not define my future.

Court is coming in June. Unless I am delusional, it shouldn’t be anything I need to worry about. The pile of insanity continues to stack up. She isn’t paying child support. She isn’t doing the things she is supposed to be doing. I suppose it’s a blessing in a way. Yes, it would be nice to have her helping support the children, but I am blessed that I have been able to keep them in their beds, in their home, in their lives. I’ve been able to provide stability I never dreamed would be possible.

The last few months have been a little more crazy than I may portray. She threatened the children’s counselor with legal action because she is on supervised visitation and they would.let her come play with a park where we were meeting for their therapy. The agency dropped us. This is the 2nd time. I’ve already mentioned the lack of child support. I couldn’t imagine if the roles were reversed. What would I be called if I didn’t pay child support? That’s right, a deadbeat dad. Either way, I can provide for their needs. We will make it through. She is due any day now. Maybe that’s why it is so quiet. She is trying to prepare for her new baby? I honestly hope that can be her new focal point and she will leave me alone. As I stated, I’m exhausted. Anyone that believes I would choose this path out of spite is a moron. They have no clue what it is like to be the sole provider. The sole caretaker. It’s different than a stay at home parent. When she stayed at home, I came home from work and took the children. Now I do it all. Cook, clean, laundry, I have to make time for them. Hold them at night as they cry.

Last night my son said “Dad, if you could have any guess, why do you think mom left?” How do you answer that? I can’t tell him the truth. Mom cheated on daddy and decided she wanted to be a family with him. Initially I was trapped. I didn’t know what to say. Then it dawned on me, turn it around and ask him. So I did. I asked what was reason he believed mom left. He said he didn’t know. I said me either. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it and there’s nothing you or I could have done to change it. I’m sure as time goes by things will make more sense. It was the best I had. The kid’s smart. I think it was a test. I think he was seeing if I would share with him. There has to be a balance in protecting him and helping him to understand the situation. A couple weeks ago she gave him a letter. It explained how I have not shared them with her and how all of this is unfair and wrong. I don’t know how the supervisor would let her give it to him? What is a 9 year old going to do with those thoughts? She’s told him he will never be as successful as her. She has told him to go away during her 1.5 hour visit. It’s just disgusting. He hurts so much when he talks about it. I just hold him and tell him I love him. I tell him that her actions.can not define his future, but how he responds to her actions will absolutely define his future. I just hope it helps to empower him to choose to overcome this.

It’s messy and life can be crazy, but my kids are safe, stable and secure. My life was shattered, but I’m picking up the pieces and moving forward. I want to feel normal again. I want the hope of a bright future. I want to not feel like I am just waiting for the next round of craziness. Right now I am catching my breath. The waters have grown calmer. But there is a part of me that is just waiting for the battle to begin again. Like, I have to be on guard, watching every little thing and preparing to defend myself and the kids. I am ready for normal.

I’ve missed you people as crazy as it sounds. So many amazing and wonderful people read this. I hope that anyone that is struggling with a broken relationship can go back and read my year and as I heal, they can gain hope. It will not last forever and I promise you, I know the crumbling you are feeling. Breathe. Just breathe. Sometimes that’s all you can do. Realize the pain will change. You will get your feet back under you. I know that it may be so unbearable that you can’t even put it into words. The sun will come up tomorrow. You may not care right now, I can’t blame you. I was there. But, make it through the night. Push yourself to the next day and you will make it through the storm. Reach out and we can chat. You’re not alone.

I love you all. Thank you for who you are!