F*ck yourself into me in Musings

“just listen to my voice” Liam said as he put his hands on my hip bones . I followed him blindfolded down a pace in Dominican Republic. I could hear the jingling of Wembley’s collar and Winnie’s panting, as he led me down some unknown corridor. I hear him whispering to someone and I hear Wembley and Winnie crying and barking as they are pulled away from me.
“Babe!” I yelped “where are the babies?!” I said grabbing his wrists
“Baby, don’t worry, they are taken care of, it’s just me and you tonight okay?” He said as I walked into his open arms.
“I don’t know Liam, We brought our babies with us here ‘cause I didn’t want to leave them home” I said as he wrapped his arms around me.
“Stop talking Andy” he said as he pressed his chest into mine. He kissed me softly. His lips tasted like saltwater and sun. He grazed his hands up my face and slowly pulled off the blindfold.
I look at him, and his nose is sunburned, his skin glistening in sweat and I looked around and all I could see was the sunset, sand, palm trees and the crystal blue Caribbean ocean washing seaweed onto the sand.
I am not trying to suggest that I am such a pretentious bitch, but I am also a very pretentious, bourgeoisie bitch, I have traveled extensively and I’ve island hopped from Cuba, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Virgin Islands, Martinique, Antigua, St. Lucia, Barbados, Dominica, St Kitts and Nevis. However, every time I am on the Caribbean Sea, there is something absolutely breathtaking, romantic, healing and melancholy about those waters. It is better than the Mediterranean Sea, the Tyrrhenian Sea or the Adriatic Sea. Maybe because the waters are where my grandparents and great grandparents and great great grandparents have been scattered there’s something so solemnly happy and so beautifully full of melancholy, that I saw the waters just washing seaweed onto the sand—it made me feel safe and fuzzy in a void I’ve always existed and never existed.
“I love you babe” Liam said as he held me. His arms wrapped around my waist, his chin rested on the nook of my shoulder. “Man, I hope one day you could see how beautiful you are and how much you’ve really made me into a man” he said.
We stood in the shade of the tree, watching the waves drift in and out, watching insects crawl on nearby trees, as the sun made the blue waters turn purple from its red iridescence mixing in with the blue of the water.
We sat on the sand. He sat behind me holding me by my waist as We watched our toes dig in the sand.
He whispered sweet everything’s in my ear, and giggled innocently, intertwining his fingers in mine.

Once the sun set completely, he kissed the crook of my neck so hard, it tickled and I fell
into the sand and he laughed, standing up and reaching out for my hand.
Ripping off his shirt and his shorts, his shoes his socks.
“This isn’t our mother’s island Andy, but if we throw a stone in that direction, I promise it would land right in Puerto Rico” he said as he ripped me up off the ground, cupped his dick, dropping his underwear and releasing my hand as he laughed, skipping backwards, saying “come with me baby” like a magical Caribbean sprite. I watched as he ran into the waves of the sea, washing his body in the dark salt water. “Come Babe!”
I shyly pulled off my clothing and jogged toward him. And as I did, he charged toward me, kicking out wet sand and dry sand as he tackled me, making me fall naked onto the sand.
“Liam!” I yelled as his chest and mine crashed onto the ground. I felt the grit of the sand as he laughed while I was beneath him on the sand. “I hate when you get drunk!”
“You hate when I get drunk, cause you don’t like that I’m always honest with you sober and I have an excuse to be a mess and be “weird” and “mushy” and “sexual” with you when I’m drunk! That’s really why you don’t like when I’m drunk Andy!” He said as he stood up.
His legs, his thighs, his chest, arms and hands glistened in the moonlight with the pieces of sand as he reached out for me.

“You ever going to let me love you like I want to love you, or you’re okay with how I love you and then we have our little crossdressing moments and you’re okay with it being a fantasy or whatever it is that you think, because BABE, you think I don’t know you, but I fucking KNOW YOU, you like it to think that it was your idea and you like to think that I’m so bisexual that you have to please me as a man, as a woman, as whatever it is that you think” he said as he held my hand, pulling me towards the sea.
“I just hate when your drunk Liam” I said.
“No, I’m not going to accept that, you hate when I try to be intimate with you and it’s not on your terms” he said as the warm water washed against our naked body “I’m fucking bisexual, I love fucking a girl just like I love fucking a guy” he said as he dragged me deeper into the sea.
“Liam I can’t swim, I can’t go deeper in the water” I said.
“I know… it’s not gonna go higher than your nipples, relax” he said
“Babe—-“ I said as he pushed his finger against my mouth “Shhh!” He said as he pulled me closer to him “I love you. I’m obsessed with you. I jerk off to you. We are raising two dogs together. I’m done! I don’t want a girl or a guy EVER again when I’m with you, I just want you, you’re too much of everything and I’m just a simple guy, with simple wants and needs” he said as he kissed me and the sea water enveloped us.
“I’ve been wanting to marry you since I spoke to you, you know how long I’ve had to wait to be with you?!” He said swiping off the water off of his hair.
“Babe, I hate being in the water, I can’t swim” I said.
“OKAY, let’s get you out the water!” He said as he grabbed my hand and walked me to where the water meets the sand.
“You know that I know you so well?!” He said as he kneeled between my legs in the wet sand.
“I’ll name the first boyfriend that got to you before I could even make a move on you!” He said. “I fell in love with you when you were just dating that asshole nigga that broke up with you in Paris” he said as he wrapped my legs around him and picked me up.
I was so confused because I don’t remember him that far back in my life… that would’ve been at least 10-11 years ago. He carries me to the little hut and drops me on the bed as we are all sandy.
“I knew I loved you when you talked to me with your best friend Jennifer, and some guy offered you some cocaine and you looked at him and said ‘yeah, thank you, but I have my own, I put a lot of cheap shit in me, but drugs isn’t one of them’ and I was fucked up by you” he said as he kissed me. “I wasn’t ready for someone like you, but life kept putting you around me, you always dismissed me, you always friendzoned me”

And as I look back in my past… he was a very, very hazy memory when that cocaine incident happened… and I remember saying that to that guy because I thought the guy Jennifer dragged me to talk to wouldn’t think I wasn’t a luxury. I never wanted any guy to think that I was just throwing myself to the first person who offered, whether it was drugs, alcohol, money, tickets, furniture, whatever it was.

Looking back at everything Liam has been in my life for a very long time and I just didn’t pay him any attention… and most certainly because he was Puerto Rican, I know that I was not paying him any mind.

“When Christopher broke up with you in Paris, you had a drunken conversation with me at a gallery event, you were with your loser friend Josh. I really always thought you were so fucking hot… the way you talked, the way you always carried yourself, the way I was always invisible to you” he said as he pulled the white linen sheets over our bodies.
I honestly felt like he was pulling a weird memory moment on me.
“I followed you on four square, I followed you on Facebook” he said as he brushed his hands on the soft curl forming on my forehead.
“We have Wembley, we have Winnie and one day, one day really soon; we’re gonna have our son, and I’ve been warming up to the idea of calling him Elias” he said as he kissed me. His lips tasted like whiskey, ocean water, his musk, I’m really scared of him and it’s been years that we’ve been together, and he’s just infiltrated my life but it’s been so natural and insidious.
“I want to have a baby with you, I think that’s why you’re so concerned about me being half straight” he said, his eyes shimmered and he smirked.
“Wrap your legs around my waist” he said as he positioned himself between me “look how you have me” he said as he rubbed his index finger with pre-cum on my lips and I licked his finger.
“Oh my fucking God Andy” he said as he spit in his hand, rubbed it on himself and began to push inside me. “Babe where the fuck is your bag?! I’m fucking drunk… I need to fuck you bad”
“Liam! Your mad drunk” I laughed as I stood up and started looking for my bag.
“Yeah I’m fucking drunk, but I need you” he said as he put his arm around his head and watched me find my bag and lube myself up.

He ripped me back to the bed and kneeled between my legs.
“You’re so fucking sexy, hot, beautiful” he said as I felt him properly slide inside of me.
“Nah babe, I’m sorry you have to take your husband’s dick” he said as he pinned my hands above my head as I tried to slow him down. “That’s a non-negotiable in our relationship, fucking take papi’s dick” he said as he pushed himself inside me completely.
I’m biting my lips and I see his eyes in the moonlight, as they glimmer, kissing my neck, pushing his knees further apart and raising my legs higher.
“Baby, look how perfect my dick fits inside you” he said as he pumps himself in and out of me. “Andrés your mine, you know that?” He said as he released my hands and he pulled all the way out of me and pushed all the way in me. I try to hold his hips from going in to deep inside me and not feel that sharp pain as he thrusts. “Yeah? It hurts my little prince, I’ve been too nice to you. I’m gonna teach you now how to be mine” he said as he slams deep inside of me making me yelp in pain and pleasure.
“Learn how to take your husband’s cock baby” he said holding my hands above my head and slamming deep inside of me, holding my waist against him as he digs deep inside of me.
He pressed my feet together and made me spread myself more open for him.
“I love you so much Andy” he said as he slammed deep inside me as I moaned into his mouth. “Keep Papi’s tight little pussy open” he whispered in my mouth as he slammed in and out of me. “You’re not gonna touch yourself, I’m gonna make you cum from giving you dick baby”
From nightfall, until I could only hear my own orgasm and the birds chirping in the trees of Dominican Republic… he made love to me.
I came 3 times as he fucked me for hours on end in different positions, whispering dirty sex talk into my ears… I orgasmed in ways that I literally thought of the French saying “la petit mort”, the small death. He wouldn’t allow me to even touch myself, it was absolutely hands free. It was pain and pleasure. Dominance and submission. He wouldn’t stop just because I came, he continued fucking me and discovering different spots inside of me to make cause more pleasure.

The final orgasm for me was laying on my side with him inside of me as he found different angles for me to tingle in pain and pleasure. His chest was drenched in sweat and 10 seconds before I felt that tingling sensation from the tip of my toes to the tip
Of the longest strand of hair he just whispered in my ear as he pushed his finger in my mouth “you’re going to cum for me every fucking night just like this… I’m gonna teach you from now on what your man deserves and exactly how you should cum from your husband” he said and I felt blank, it wasn’t a dark blindness, it was a blindness that filled my vision in pure milky whiteness and as I came he whispered “oh fuck Andy” in my ear as he caught my cum in his hand.

I felt a lot ashamed in the gluttony of my lust.
He felt very empowered in his own ability to make his lover orgasm 3 times and as his prize it wasn’t like two three drops of cum… I literally felt like my body couldn’t make enough sperm and it felt like it was mucus from my nose, spinal fluid from my back, gooey shit from my appendix.

As he pulled out, the last orgasm I had, he slid up and down his dick like a trophy, as he held me in his arms. He smelled like musk, like a man who’s been building and creating stuff in the city and his deodorant didn’t last… it’s a weird intoxicating smell, it’s like green peppers and “clean fresh” scent from whatever your favorite “man” deodorant is… and generally with any other man besides him, I’d be like “ew… go shower you stink” but his smell doesn’t stink to me. I’m not vapid or so disconnected enough from reality that if he smelled like that in public and my friends say “Andy, can you tell your man to wear some Deodorant and some cologne?” I wouldn’t wonder why…

So he laid there not having cum, after fucking the daylights out of me, having me cum 3 times… me nestled in his armpit, as he stroked himself with my semen… and I am just thinking “what the fuck did he just do? I am such a lucky boy to be with this man, how did he figure out all the angles” and honestly this isn’t the first time that he’s done this, this is just the most memorable time, or honestly I am a man, and somethings need to be put to my attention instead of you skirting over it… I am very into direct, blunt, honesty…
And this was the one time that he laid in bed AND he said “so I’m stroking myself with your cum. I love making you cum. I love knowing that I can do that for you. But I’m stroking myself here with your cum and I haven’t busted a nut once”

Honestly, I feel like I give him different experiences of orgasms to the equivalent of what orgasms he gives me… I know that he likes to be dominant, he likes to feel in control and he likes to feel like he is a provider… the orgasms that he provides me are, for a lack of a better term, feminine. I’m not getting off on the fact that he has a large dick, I am getting off on the fact that I feel like he knows how to hurt me, and hurt me in a way that it feels good, and he manipulates the hurt with soft whispers and honestly, he knows that I may be very, very dominant, but I crave for my man to throw my ideas out the window and tell me who the fuck I need to be, what’s my purpose and put me in my place—I let you dominate me in whatever bullshit farce of existence, but Liam knows that when the door to our apartment closes, he can shove me into the bedroom, pull out the panties, So Kate Louboutins, the wigs, the makeup, but that’s so that I can feel comfortable with him dominating me…
I feel like during pandemic he’s gotten to know a lot of the ugly weird stuff that I’ve always tried to hide from him and from
everyone. I’ve always thought that he was a lot more broken than I was/am because of his foster care situation, because of his lack of relationships from childhood that may influence his adult relationships…
I told him “I love you, I adore you, but I don’t ever want you to think that you complete me… I’ve always been a full person before I met you”
And he said “babe, no offense, there’s no denying that EVERYONE and ANYONE that we know and I know, knows that I’m so super inlove with you and you’re my best friend, you’re my husband, my wife, my fuck buddy, my everything, whatever the fuck you want to be, but to be honest you always try to downplay me because the truth is that YOU don’t complete me. I’ve been a whole person long before you, but in a very small way I DO complete you, because I’ve never needed your validation for shit, you need mine though… and I’ve never beat up anyone because they talked shit about any of my previous partners beforeyou, but I can count the stitches on my knuckles and the parties we’ve had to leave because you’re not complete, because you want me to defend you, because you ask without asking for me to protect your honor. You never stand up for yourself and you do whatever it is that you think your suppose to, which is why you think that it’s beyond something fun for me to buy you 3k shoes and 1k worth of lingerie—you think it’s something about my bisexuality, I don’t look at any girl or boy besides you and you happen to be a dude…you can wear a potato sack or you can wear a wig and a leather and lace outfit. Let me make it crystal clear with you, how many dudes were you with before me in serious monogamous relationships? And each one of those relationships, who’s still the dude that sticks around you, wants to be involved with you? Cause you told me once that your first love said you were a cactus ‘pretty to look at, but if you want to hold it and love it and truly be intimate with it, you’re gonna have to love being hurt’ I want to fuck you because it’s you, it’s Andy behind the makeup, behind the front, behind everything you think I don’t see… don’t get offended, you don’t complete me, I’ve been me for so long and I’ve made myself the man that you and any other person would WANT to be with, but YOU always want to say I’m broken, I’m this, I’m that—you’re right… but I’m complete… I love you so much, I want to be that crutch for you so you can be complete too, you’re broken, you’re scattered and I’ll be that man for you to bleed out of my hands putting you back together, you ever wonder why your past lovers are okay with you and help you and protect you even though you’re no longer with them? You’ve given me all access to your phone, emails, Facebook Instagram whatever the fuck, I see those messages, you think I give a fuck? I am a complete man, you see my phone, emails and DM’s and you always argue with me about WHY? Is he hitting you up? WHY? Is she hitting you up? But then you turn around and tell your friends “my man is fucking sexy. I like knowing that everyone wants him, blah blah blah” How you think I feel when your EX-HUSBAND, who use to beat you, actually beat the shit out of you, shows up to MY FUCKING HOUSE and asks me about you? Or I see a zelle transfer for x amount of money of I see a wire transfer from this man to our joint bank account?…” he sat with his legs crossed and put his hands on my knees and I really have been so self-involved and he’s always just let me walk all over him and he’s asserted himself in ways that no other man could or would… and I’ve always given him shit about me not wanting to ever be with a Puerto Rican man… and he just swallows it…
I’ve egged him on to raise a hand at me… to beat me. To hurt me and abuse me… and he never has taken the bait.

However, he’s never spoken to me so candidly. He’s never told me the truth to my face, he’s never put me in my place the way I need to be… actually not NEED, but WANT. He’s so super chill and he’s perfectly okay standing 3 feet behind me when someone is calling me a slutty faggot and he’s right, since I’ve met him he’s gotten a lot of stitches on his knuckles on his face for fighting someone for my honor… because zI am the problem…
In retrospect, not that anyone ever deserves to be abused, but I knew that Alex had a psychiatric disorder and I pushed all the right buttons so that he could hurt me, physically… but that relationship fizzled because of me… Christopher was a very different story that doesn’t fit the mold and Byron and the guys in between we’re always me sabotaging them, but why? I am not complete.

The universe has been very good to me with Liam… he is truly the antithesis of what I believed that I would end up with, he’s Puerto Rican, the only place he doesn’t have tattoos is on the TOP of his hands, his face and his dick area, because even the tops of his feet are tattooed and he has palm tattoos. He’s a troubled guy, he doesn’t come from money, but he’s busted his ass to make an incredibly successful business for himself. If you see Liam and me together at an event, you’d be very surprised that a regular conservative boy like me, would be intimate with a guy like him. And since I’m inlove with him I think back to my history and my past when my first love said that I was like a cactus… a cactus doesn’t need much attention or water or anything, but you can never hug or touch a cactus without hurting yourself…

Liam and I sat in the bed naked intertwining our hands with each other as he really told me who the fuck I should be, and telling me about what type of man I should become, not for him, but for myself.

I know that I’m impulsive and I feel like I throw around being inlove around… but he’s different… the old Andy would say “I worship the ground that Liam walks on” and now I think “I really love Liam because he’s my best friend and I have his back and I know he has mine, but I don’t worship the ground he walks on, because he’s not a Deity and I don’t need to worship him and blindly have faith in him”

After this conversation at whatever o’clock in paradise, his little smirks, the twinkles in his eyes, his little eye rolls… they get to me…

“Lay down babe” he said as he rubs his hands up my arms.
“Lay down?” I said as I felt a tingle in my spine causing goosebumps on my skin as his hands swiped up my arms to my shoulders and cupped my face.
“Yeah” he said kissing me and biting my bottom lip. “Lay the fuck down, open your legs, so I papi can fuck you” he said as I slowly laid down.
“That’s it my little prince” he said as he spit on his hand and rubbed his dick against my gooch.
“You know that’s my pussy right?” He said pressing his hand against my throat as I nodded yes.
“You know this is your dick babe?” He said kissing me and kissing down my jaw and kissing in the nook of my neck as I felt his tip pressing inside me.
“Yes” As my voice trembled.
“I’m not gonna be nice to this pussy right now” he said as he raised himself up between my legs.
“Liam please—-“ he covered my mouth and slammed himself inside of me.
I squirmed underneath him feeling my sphincter muscle throbbing, burning.
“You don’t like it when I’m nice” he said pushing my legs to my chest as he started to thrust fast and deep.
“Liam!” I whimpered “it hurts” I said trying to push his hips away.
“I’m too nice to you Andy, you need to learn how to take your man, this is what I want and I want it now” he said as he pumps himself deep and hard, watching me squirm underneath him.
“Oh fuck keep making that pussy throb around Papi’s cock” he said as he gained his rhythm.
“Liam!” I whimpered. “Liam” I began biting my bottom lip.
“What’s wrong prince?” He said leaning into my chest. “We have a long future together baby” he said as his hips thrusted “if you’re gonna be a bitch all the time, then I have to have your pussy however and whenever I want” he said as he kissed me and drove himself deep inside of me again making it feel like I was being stabbed from the inside as I squealed and tried to move away from him.
“That’s the spot baby?” He said smirking and staring into my eyes “that’s what papi wants” he said as he squatted between my legs and began stabbing my insides as I screamed.
“You want me to stop?” He said brushing the hair off of my forehead.
“No” I replied biting my bottom lip
“Good. Cause I’m not going to stop” he said as he drove himself deeper and the sharp pains became duller and duller as I kept accepting him. Watching the sweat drip off of his tattooed chest… he has these elaborate tattoos on his chest of Hindu gods… he has Shiva who is the creator and destroyer of life and Ganesh the lord of wisdom and emotion… and I feel like he doesn’t think I understand him but his art and his fucked up way of understanding that hurt doesn’t mean to stop, besides sexual, often times you have to destroy something and it hurts to create something from the hurt that is a stronger structure.
As he’s drilling himself inside of me… I just feel my spine tingling and my pelvis, groin area throbbing… and he can feel it on his dick that I am fighting the urge to
Orgasm again for the 4th time.
“Baby”he says as he lays between my legs. “Baby please, I don’t want to pull out I’m sorry” he says desperately.
“Liam don’t—“ I whimper feeling myself tingling and incapable of holding it in anymore
“You’re so good to me” he yells “oh my god, I love youuuuuuu!” He grunts as I orgasm all over my belly and he lays on top of me on my cum. Sighing in relief as he kissed me.
“I fucking love you so much” he whispers in my mouth. “I really waited for you for so long, holy fuck it’s worth it to be with you” he said as he kissed me. “I’m still so fucking hard, fuck! Puerto Rican’s ain’t shit!” He said laughing as he kissed me.
“Liam it really hurts” I said in post orgasm.
“Oh shit I’m sorry” he said as he kneeled watching himself pull out of me. “Oh fuck Andy… you shaved or naired today?” He said as he stands up grabbing his t-shirt and wiping my ass…
“Ew no! Stop!” I squirmed.
“Oh fuck fuck!” He said as he just kept ripping my legs open “babe, you’re bleeding… you didn’t shave or nair or nothing?? This isn’t internal is it?? Babe what’s happening?!” He said as he kept wiping me.
“Well you wanna be the king of the jungle and dominate me with no safe words. I don’t think it’s internal, but I did nair my butthole, so I think it’s just all superficial” I said

Since quarantine last year, I feel very disconnected with Liam and this is the first time that I truly understand why. I really dislike that he holds things in and he tries to pretend he’s this tough guy. YES, he’s right, I am incomplete, but also he’s so much more complicated than I am… we don’t have the same language of love… he likes peacocking to me… whether it’s through getting us a vacation, or expensive gifts or even more visceral, making me cum on myself as he fucks me, but to him he thinks that it’s because of his dick, but to me, it’s beyond his dick… I am enamored by how strong he actually is… how he keeps things away from me because he feels this incessant need to provide for the family he’s made. And honestly I could really care less about all
Of that… I’ve offered to pay off his loans and his shop and hire him a business coach so that he can be the best that he can be…

Yeah… he’s right I am incomplete… but have you ever waited for your man to come home and it’s 12 Am, 1:30 Am and you pretend to be asleep? You hear his belt drop on the floor, you hear his sneakers. You hear him rubbing his hands warm for 15-20 mins, so that it doesn’t disturb your sleep, when he lays his hand on your bare mid drift. I may be incomplete but I know I am… I know that we are both descendants of a long line of trauma and hurt that we don’t speak about. The difference is that I know that I am broken and incomplete, he’s not self-aware and that makes him arrogant because he truly glosses over problems, confrontation—-only when we are in a different mind frame or setting can he tell me about myself, his feelings, his emotions… he doesn’t realize that yes I might’ve known you 10-11 years ago and i don’t remember him… but I remember his energy. I’ve always been attracted to him, but I’ve also kept my distance and subconsciously and consciously have never wanted to interact with him because “guys like him” always hurt me… but he’s not like those guys… he’s like a multiple story house… I know that I’ve BARELY gotten through the front door.

I dunno… I really, really love him and maybe we should seek a relationship counselor.we will see. He is my bestest friend.