All day through work I’m listening to self help people, law of attraction people, new age people and/or tarot/horoscope people lol and yesterday I came across a guy who was talking about why people gain back the weight after weight loss surgery.
Basically - and I’m making this very generalized - when someone is obese and they don’t love themselves, they think about themselves negatively. They call themselves fat, ugly, stupid, weak, etc. All the bad things you can think of.
They want to be accepted by society. The normal people. They want to fit in. Blend in. So they get the surgery and they lose the weight and they fit in! Society accepts them. So you would think that they would be so happy.
But they aren’t happy because they didn’t do the inner work to love and accept themselves like society now does.
So still, while they are losing weight and blending in with the world and becoming more “normal” they are still calling themselves fat and ugly and stupid and weak. They are not accepting themselves. They are not celebrating their transition. They are not seeing it like society is. And that self hate that they still have leads to still using those bad habits of over eating bad foods to comfort or to “give up” because they can’t see how far they’ve come.
They need to change their behavior to fit the new person they’re becoming. The person that they love and treat well with water and good food and exercise and self care. Not the person that they used to believe was fat and weak.
I’m sure I’m not giving the video justice but it just made me think that - I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to short change my improvements and not celebrate my successes.
Truthfully I still do negatively self talk. I do still think I’m a fat blob because even though I’ve lost 65lbs, I’m not “normal” weight. I still see myself as fat as I ever was most times. And it’s really fucked up cause the number on the scale and the tape measure doesn’t lie. The mrror doesn’t lie! I KNOW I’ve lost weight but I don’t feel it. I’m still afraid to do certain things that a 295lb person couldn’t do but a 230lb person could do.
Even my trainer sees the change in my stamina during work outs and all I can do it beat myself up for not being able to do everything she asks me to do.
She says if I was in her classes that she does in her area that I would be in the higher levels, not a beginner class, because she knows I can handle it but I would never sign up for anything more than a beginner class - afraid that I wouldn’t be able to keep up. Beginner classes is for the fat people. Going up leads to more in shape people who can take more thrown at them. She thinks I’m there but I don’t. I’m afraid to be embarrassed.
I’m humble to the point that it’s a problem. I lack so much confidence and it sucks. I don’t push myself because I don’t believe in myself. And I don’t know when I ever will. I don’t know what the magic number is where I will believe that I’m strong and hot and smart and all the rest. I’m waiting for that day when my brain switches and I actually like me and I don’t know when or how to get there.
I don’t want to stop at 230lbs but getting to 230lbs is an accomplishment that I should be HAPPY about. I know I bitch about how bad my eating is but it could always be worse.
There’s people on the fb pages who get the surgery and barely lose because they’re back to milkshakes and cupcakes as soon as they can eat! They stretch their stomach and don’t attempt to exercise and then are on the pages bashing their surgery and the doctor and saying that it doesn’t work and no one else should get it. And it’s sad that they’re spouting that false info because newbies come on the page - like I once was - asking for advice and there are people on there talking about how it doesn’t work!
Anyway, unfortunately I’m all blah about it cause 230lbs is still obese. And this stall in my weight loss is really chipping at me cause I expect and I feel everyone else expects me to be further than I am. Even though no one has said that at all!
I’m going to try - on a daily or maybe even hourly basis - to be proud of me.