I’ve noticed, but it would be too cynical and self deprecating (and a lie) to say I hadn’t noticed that it’s not just me. I don’t know that it makes me feel better about it necessarily, but less alone. Maybe we all feel less alone, seeing the rest cut out. (but… maybe they don’t think about it like I do)
(And maybe, I am alone after all)
Abandonment, in this weird detached way, has always cut. Even as a child, moving away from school after school I remember it. I’m still friends with (the field behind your house, running through it and laughing, silly recordings on phones long dead, moments with you even then I noticed were making It lessen, even as It grew over my life) my late elementary and early middle school best friend on social media, and it’s stupid to think but I want to meet him and just be again what we were, as we are now.
We don’t even know each other anymore, but still I feel like I know him more than so many, and him me in some way, however false that is. But I see us exchange equally small but acknowledging gestures. We remember, neither willing to push too far lest it break the frame encasing this memory, neither willing to let the dust in, much less try and brush it off.
Later, with them, it’s… different. Less obscured by youth’s innocence, the truth is laid bare even as it disallows interpretation. But whatever the truth may be behind failed communications, fallen off relationships, lack of contact, It’s there.
And It’s Me, or It is part of me, however much time I spend depersonalizing the feeling because the weight of the loathing is too harsh for the self to bare, the constant pull
You don’t have to be this way
But you are
Seventh grade, the word drawn onto the page. A lie, no, if course I wasn’t thinking about it, I was just drawing. The feeling had been sinking in, settling. Making itself at home. Never content. With Me.
I’ve named It enough times by now to have accepted it for some time, and still it feels like an excuse. How do you tell a doctor of that sort of particular ideation?
What if they try to help and I realize it’s… Me? And there’s no other conclusions to run to?
If I expend my options, will this football season be over?
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