Jealousy in Weight Loss Surgery

In other news I had some family drama and I guess it required some backstory.

My mom hasn’t ever really had weight problems. Neither has her mom. My grandmother was a knockout but she did ridicule my mom for being “chubby” when she was a child.

I’ve seen a few pix and she looks fine to me but she wasn’t made to feel fine about her body. She said she (like many others) tried to not eat over the summer to be all skinny for the first day of school. I don’t know if she knows that’s an eating disorder .

ANYWAY the fattest she ever got is when she was pregnant but she had kids young and took the weight off. After her divorce she had no problem getting dates. She didn’t like gyms but did do all of the work out tapes advertised.

And when I moved out she turned my bedroom into a gym and she would make my father workout with her. He’s a skinny guy but develops a belly if he lets himself go. That’s the only place he gains weight. My mom doesn’t want to herself or him to get fat so she made him exercise with her.

Pretty much everyday they would work out in their gym and still take a walk/jog around town or at a park with a track.

My mom works in NYC and takes public transit both ways so she always walked many steps just in her commute alone. She also felt pressured to stay thin at work because she’s older surrounded by a bunch of young thing girls who are basically just doing this until they become a model or actress. And she knows that the successful people in her job (mostly men) really only want to work with the attractive ladies and working with the successful guys gets you a good salary and bonus so she wants to work for them too.

My sister was thin a lot of her life. She got sent away to boarding school for high school and she did put on some weight, maybe she was depressed, but she was still always skinny until she got pregnant.

She gained 100lbs - some of it was water collecting in her legs - and after she had Emma she had a multitude of problems, including diabetes. She got put on Sandrexa - which I think is a small shot in your stomach - to control the diabetes but it also helped her weight loss.

She is back to being SKINNY although now she has some lose skin because of how big she once was, which she hates.

My mom seemed to think this was great - my sister was going through a divorce and my mom would be like “oh you’re so skinny now you can marry anyone you want” and things like that.

But then covid happened and my moms NYC commute was over. And then she hurt both her ankles taking a hike and so her exercise is basically non existent besides the physical therapy for her ankles. So she’s put on some weight,

She is an petite woman, and me being near 300lbs last year, she’ll always be small to me but she’s now falling into not eating much and bashing herself for being “fat”. I’ve never heard her say this stuff in front of Emma but she doesn’t always have dinner with them cause she doesn’t want to eat and Emma does notice and begs her to come sit and eat with them.

I know kinda wonder if she’s jealous of my sister being thin while my mom can’t stop gaining weight.

And then I got my surgery and now I’ve lost 50lbs. I’m still OBEESE but my mom now jokes and says “oh you and Will are so skinny now” and I’m kinda like haha cause I’m not skinny at all - even though I have lost a lot of weight.

And yesterday when I took a walk with her and she said it again - calling me young and skinny while she’s old and fat - And talking about how weight comes off so easy for me. I had to address her and say that she’s not fat and I’m not skinny and the weight is coming off due to SURGERY, not like I’m better at dieting than her. I mean, does she not remember that I’ve gained weight steadily since the day I was born not matter WHAT diet I was on till I got to almost 300lbs? Weight DOES NOT come off easy for me!!!

I wasn’t trying to bash myself cause I know I’m thinner than I once was but no, I’m not skinny and I don’t even know if I’ll ever even want to BE skinny because I think 180lbs is a perfect weight even though a weight chart would prefer I be 140 cause I’m short, so I’ll still be “overweight”.

I don’t know if she’s “jealous” of my body or just my rate of weight loss since she’s currently unsuccessful with her weight loss while I’ve lost 50lbs but it’s just a weird mind space to be in and to comment on, esp. within family.

I mean, I have also wished to be as thin as my mom and sister but I never made them feel awkward about the fact that I was bigger than them. I never commented on their bodies.

SO ANYWAY my mom wants to rent an RV and go to a camp ground near a beach for a few days with me, my sis and Emma. Will is always invited but we all know he doesn’t care about time with my family esp. if he has to take off work for it so we’re sure he’s not coming.

I’ve never really been in an RV - just seen them on TV - but I said I’d go.

My sis calls me up after my walk with my mom and we get talking about the RV and my sister told me that my father said every RV they’ve been in have been too tiny for him. I guess he means tiny to walk up and down the aisle - I don’t know.

So my sister said to my mom - if dad is having trouble moving around in the RV, how do you think (me) is going to move around in it? I’m bigger than my father and my sister was just letting my mom know that I might be uncomfortable in the space if my father can barely fit.

My sis then said my mom flew off the handle and basically said to her “just because you’re skinny doesn’t mean you get to talk about (me) like crap. I’ve lost a lot of weight and she should talk about (me) like that”. But I kinda think my mom took the insult personally and maybe thought my sister was saying my mom was too fat for the RV. I dunno.

Anyway so my sis said she wanted to bring it up to me because she was afraid my mom was going to turn around and tell me that my sister called me fat. And she wanted to clear the air and said that she wasn’t trying to insult me, just trying to be realistic about the size of the RV. If our thinner father couldn’t fit comfortably, anyone bigger than him would have an issue as well and it wouldn’t be a comfortable vacation.

I got what my sister was saying and I wasn’t offended - but now I might want to see the RV in person ahead of time before I agree to go because she’s right. If I feel like the RV is a tin can I may bow out… although the trip is in August and I will lose some more weight by then but I’m just not sure how much I need to lose to fit in an RV!

Does anyone know?

I just hate that my mom is struggling with her weight because I don’t want her to be unhappy…

I know my mom is struggling cause she LOVES to snack. I mean I think the last time I went over there I was complaining about the amount of popcorn I inhaled. And she likes chips and pretzels too. They always have SOMETHING to snack on and I’ve watched her snack. But on the other hand she’s trying not to eat meals.

We all know this is the WRONG way to do it (skipping healthy meals and filling up with carby snacks), plus she knows all about weight watchers. I don’t know why she doesn’t just follow that again. She’s always had more willpower than me when it’s come to these things. But she is also in her 50’s so maybe it’s a metabolism thing that can be extremely frustrating.

The ONLY good thing I’ve got going for me is that I’ve NEVER been skinny. I feel like people who were once skinny and then got fat suffer more mentally than people who have ALWAYS been fat.

I really don’t have memories of “being skinny” to torture myself with. I think I hit 200lbs in the 90s. I’ve ALWAYS been like 50lbs over my peers, if not more, since elementary school. I wore “womens” size clothes long before I was a woman.

My mom can remember just up till last year when she was thinner and had more exercise stamina and she’s having a really hard time with losing that.

I’ve been trying to send her tips about food - but not just “carbs bad” just about how to only buy foods low in sugar and to look for high fiber. Better brands of bread, ice cream, dressings, snacks, pasta, etc. cause I don’t want her to give anything up. She seems to appreciate the tips instead of being offended so that’s good.

I just never wanted my weight loss to be a source of jealousy, but I can see how that would happen because I have been extremely jealous of others before. Esp. those who had weight loss surgery. Seeing their success got me on board when I was originally afraid of this. But I’ve also been jealous of those who were successful naturally too! I don’t know how to help my mom besides working out with her (or at least take walks) esp. while her ankles are still tender and give her health tips I stumble upon.

I know she’s happy for me. She didn’t want me to be unhealthy. But it makes me feel weird to think she might be jealous of my success. I don’t want to be a source of unhappiness.