Space. in Like No One Is Reading

I am a formerly co-dependent person. The majority of my adult relationships were toxic, co-dependent nightmares, and that’s putting it mildly. Friendships, romantic relationships, familial relationships, there were no exceptions. My life was a toxic waste dump of toxic relationships and co-dependency. I believed, to the very core of my being, that I absolutely could not survive without a man. I was conditioned to believe that, and I live in a society that undervalues and underpays women. Obviously we need men, who make more money than we do, to take care of us, right?

First of all, fuck that.

Because I believed this about myself, that I would certainly fail should I try to go it on my own as a single mother, I stayed trapped in a co-dependent relationship with a narcissist who abused me mentally, emotionally, verbally, and physically for 13 years.

It was like living in a box that isn’t quite big enough to stand up straight in so, no matter what position you’re in, you’re a little bunched up, a little uncomfortable. You can’t stretch fully, and there is no window and no fresh air. And you carry this box around with you everywhere you go. It’s invisible, but people can see its effects on you. Eyes downcast, shoulders a little hunched, furrowed brow, you look a little like a cornered animal. You’re quiet in crowded spaces so as not to draw too much attention. It’s especially challenging when you know that everyone in the room has been told how broken you are, how mentally ill, how in-need of help… and pity.

There’s no space in relationships like that because space would mean room to grow and growing would mean changing and changing couldn’t be allowed because then you wouldn’t be a pitiful, broken shell of a person anymore. You wouldn’t be as easily controllable. Manipulating you would become difficult.

Don’t let anyone put you in a box. Don’t let someone else tell you how broken you are and definitely don’t let them tell you how much you need them, to help you, to fix you. You deserve space to breathe and grow and change. If someone doesn’t give you that space, they aren’t it. If someone does give you that space? Revel in it, cherish it, and feel comforted by it, because that person loves you.

Last updated March 21, 2021