Same Song, New Rendition in Just A Day In The Life

“I love you”, do you?

“You’re like no one I’ve ever been with”, am I?

“I’ve never felt like this before”, have you?

“It’s different with us”, is it?

Same song new rendition.

Men say they want a strong, aggressive woman and then complain about how strong and aggressive she is once they have her. I never once pretended to be someone I am not, so why are they surprised that I am who I said I was? I am very clear with what I want and need in a relationship. I don’t play games and I know what I want. I am young and therefore people don’t always take my words seriously but that doesn’t mean that I am not serious.

My grandpa used to say “Take care of number 1” and I live by that. I am the only one who can truly protect me and my future. I come first. It doesn’t matter how much I love you, if you don’t provide me with what I deserve out of a relationship I am not going to risk my future for you.

“How are you still single?”

Well, I’ll tell you what… Quality ain’t free buddy. Quality required maintenance and respect. I can only give, give, give until there is nothing left but my empty shell. Bleeding out. Sooner or later I have to patch up the hole that was created. Suture by suture I will stitch myself closed only to be asked…

“Why do you have such a wall up? Can’t you just let me in?”

I could let you in, but you see sir, I am recovering from the last time I was asked that question… I’m healing from sweet promises that were carved into me by knife. I push back, keeping my space until… I give in… hoping that this time the words ring true.

I don’t trust words anymore, only actions.

I am exhausted. Pleading for rest. Wishing for someone to take me in, knowing that it will most likely be me who will have to nurture myself back to health. Just once it would be nice to not have to do everything myself…

I’m tired of listening to this same sad playlist on repeat. I’ve heard this song before sang from the lips of a man who claimed to love me for “who I am” only to become enraged when It turns out I am not who he thought I was.

I am transparent because then I know it was not me who is at fault. I did not pretend to be something I am not. It was not me giving false impressions. It was not me who did not try…

I pick myself up and continue because I know what I want and that is a future with a partner. I want children and a family. I want to have a safe home from the atrocities of the surrounding world. I want to prosper not just survive.

This is why I am resilient. I will not give up hope. My future is out there. I am just waiting to hear the song that is stuck in my head that perhaps I have never heard the words to.