A letter in New reality

So I finally told her that im not happy and I told her that im having trouble seeing past all of the outbursts. She reacted as i thought she would. She baasically.told.me.i needed to stop focusing on the negative things she says and focus on the positive. Butnhowncan I when the negative screams so loud? I didnt really talk to her today. I just kept myself busy in the kitchen and with the kiddos. Shebasked memto write a letter or a list of things that I need her to know about how I feel and what I need. I shouldn’t need to write down in black and white that I dont want to have sex with her because she makes me feel disgusting. I shouldn’t have to write down that I don’t like being called names. I shouldn’t have to keep asking her to seek counseling. She keeps promising me she will go.. but she doesnt actually make any attempt to go.. although she did tell me I needed to go back because it was helping.. little does she know my therapist was the one who got me to open my eyes to the abuse. I didn’t recognize it for what it is. Anyway. I figured I would humor her. Write the letter. Get all of my.feelings out. She wants me to make a decision. But I dont want to. I just want so badly for things to be better. I dont want to leave my house. I love it here. She hates it. Butni can’t afford to live here on my own. And I wouldn’t need such a big house with only one child. But I could have roommates. I’d lose my big kids because they aren’t biologically mine. Their dad might let me.see them one night a month maybe. She would fight me for the child we have together. My best friend told.me.today I needed to stop worrying about other people and focus on my.happiness. I dont even know how to do that anymore. I dont know how to be just me. Its just her and i.. outside of my.marriage i dont really have much of a life. Im working on starting a business and be a better me. I used to think I wanted to share this with her, but now I’m just not so sure. It should be an easy choice to just go but why can’t I make it?