When I Think I Sink in Current Events

Toni got excited when I told her that I was being kicked out. Only because it was time to be serious about looking for a place together. I just got off the phone with her, she is also upset at my sister and her husband for just tossing me out like this for no reason but she really wants to get a place with me already. We have a two-week window to find a place. It is not mission impossible but it will be tight. There is a small two-bedroom situation attached to a nail salon that she e-mailed me. I’ll reach out to the landlords tomorrow. It’s hard to say if it is still available or not. If we can’t find anything that isn’t available until May 1st then that will just have to do. I’ll just have to sleep in my car for a month.

My mother, well everybody, is upset with my sister and her husband for kicking me out. I haven’t had time to digest it. There was no cause and I don’t know the reason and I was catching myself trying to piece it together while I was trying to work which serves no purpose. It doesn’t change anything. I have overstayed my welcome. I do know that. I was supposed to be out of here last year but the transfer of wealth hit. I mean pandemic. This is actually his second time trying to throw me out on the streets for no reason. That was back in October. Everybody talked sense into him that there was a hoax, I mean crisis happening and that it was just cruel. I don’t actually want to carry ill feelings toward anybody. I could just be looking forward to this new opportunity and be excited with Toni about it.

What crosses my mind, however, are all his diatribes against my family. It will come out of nowhere, he will start putting my family members down to my sister who never defends us. My niece has repeated some of the stuff he has said about me when I’m not around and that always bothered me but it is hitting me pretty hard right now. Not the stuff he says about me, I don’t care. I control my narrative. I care that he puts my family down in front of his children and it bothers me that my sister never defends us. He’s in some competition with us in which our family is the worst thing in the world.

His father disowned him for dating outside his church. His youngest sister was raped by the older sister’s fiance. The older sister blames the younger sister for her now ex-fiance being in jail. He impregnated them both but the youngest had an abortion. She is now a cocaine addict. His stepdad is also a cocaine addict. His mother is a drunk. My brother in-law himself is a drunk. All that family does is fight with each other when they visit. That’s where Matt complains about my family and they all jump in. My mother did the unforgivable thing and failed to get hyped about their wedding. Marriage is not exactly a huge value in our family and they didn’t think my mother was involved enough in the wedding. My mother had us young, she was sixteen and pregnant before it was cool. She always told us growing up that she gave us her party years and that when we are adults she will be making up for that so move the fuck out when you’re 18 and make good choices. She’s not partying, per se. She is out camping and travelling. In emergencies she is there, she doesn’t coddle and she doesn’t hover. They don’t like that. She is always there for us when we need her most, my sister, that I live with, has never needed my mother like that though. I suppose their wedding was supposed to be that moment… I guess? Whatever. Now they have my sister convinced that my mother is neglectful and a bad mom and bad grandmother. That’s not true. I know my mother better than they all do. I understand her.

On that note, we all have a responsibility to be intelligent and my mother is very into this con-19 LARP. She thinks we’re in a plague so that is why I’m not allowed to stay with her. She needs to protect my grandmother, in her mind. She’s living her Anne Frank fantasy in this made-up hero story. Germ theory, of course, is a fucking hoax. If you can push through a little cognitive dissonance and social conditioning, it only takes simple logic and reason to see that terrain theory holds together better than germ theory which has never been proven. I can get people to see how simple the logic is. They will agree with it. Then still decide that they need a vaccine that creates chronic illness later so they can sell more vaccines, treatments and medicine. derps. The curriculum literally comes from the German pharmaceutical company that Hitler used during World War II. Of course, the cult is told to trust doctors and science and that educating yourself is actual ignorance. We’re in the upside down and it’s not hard to turn it right side up if people would just… whatever. You can tell a horse the truth but you can’t make them believe it. Actually, I saw a cute little skit today that sums up how these conversations usually go down. People don’t have to live in fear. Imagine how empowering it would be to be able to treat your own cancers. It’s just a fungus that eats dead tissue.

Speaking of terrain theory, I am trying not to think too big because I don’t want to overwhelm myself. I understand my anxiety, when I think I sink. I was aiming to go back to school this summer. I want to start my schooling journey toward naturopathic medicine already but it looks like I will have to fill that slot with a second job. Maybe? I didn’t talk to my boss today about who I need to Tanya Harding to get more shifts… ok bad joke. She was busy and I am trying not to be a bother. I’ve been in her shoes. Bev explained how difficult it will be for me, the new guy, to get the extra hours. It’s obvious but challenge accepted. I can make it work budget-wise. I think? I don’t have time to focus on school or a second job this second. I will spiral if I try. If I get more shifts, full-time even, then that leaves me the time to go to school. Our team only works first thing in the morning and never on weekends. Our job is products and not people so our shift keeps us out of the way. I can take evening courses. I’m sure there are other ways around it.

I have tomorrow off to try and sort more stuff out. It sucks that I’m still in a full house with people who do not want me here. The tension of it all. We’re all saving face so far. If I was still a cluster b I would be planning to never speak to them again. It’s my default setting so that is what I am holding back. My niece and nephew, I could never. This does create opportunities for me to be able to take them out. My niece could come over for movie nights or something. Visiting them would be a treat.