Fear of Failure in Just A Day In The Life

I’m a pleaser. I don’t know exactly why I’m such a people pleaser but I know that I am. Wanting to please the people in my life often gets in my way. I know I shouldn’t put so much energy into other people’s ideas of me but I can’t seem to help it. My most frequent issue is with my mom.

I know my mother better than anyone else. I think the only person who knows my mom better than me is herself. Out of the 4 children in my family, I became the confidant. I was entrusted with a lot of secrets and private information that my siblings weren’t. I mostly enjoyed this but sometimes the information was heavy for a young person. Information about my parents falling outs, my sibling’s issues, my mom’s work problems, etc. I’ve always felt like I needed to protect my mom. My mom is more than capable of protecting herself but I felt that because she always protected me so well I should do the same. Who did she have to cry to? Nobody. The responsibility fell on me.

A good amount of responsibility fell on me growing up. I’m the second oldest and I am a girl. My older brother is quite frankly a “fuck-up”, don’t get me wrong, he is a loving caring person but he isn’t known to make the best decisions. There was a point when I was about 15 when my mom told me “You are responsible for setting the example for your younger siblings since your brother isn’t”. It hit me hard and I have never been able to let it go.

My mother is emotionally scarred by a rough upbringing and a failed marriage. I believe one of my mom’s greatest fears is for me to end up making the same mistakes as her and therefore she projects her issues onto me. My mom and I are very alike and sometimes that’s a good thing but sometimes it gets in our way. I know that my mom is proud of my accomplishments but I also live in fear of disappointing her.

Sometimes I struggle to make big life decisions because of the paralyzing fear of disappointment along with the “imposter syndrome” that I can’t seem to shake. I feel frozen, unable to make a move in ANY direction often causing me to stay stagnant. Jackson makes me want to move forward in life and that’s one thing I love about him. My mom, on the other hand, questions our relationship. This KILLS me. As I am a pleaser, having her not approve/ question my decisions is really taxing on me.