big changes are cause for self reflection in Sometimes I feel dead inside

the song on my playlist switches. so many changes happening. so much will be different. i'm excited about it. i'm dreading it. i kind of am indifferent about it. i've gone on this slow change to work out and get into shape. i've been attempting to make improvements in all areas of my life. i'm going to try and set a schedule to stick to. i've changed my diet, i've started using supplements i wouldn't have considered a year ago. the playlist seems to have a mind of its own, going from amon amarth to sigur ros, the ghost in my apt is messing with me today. my roommate is getting ready to move in with his girlfriend, not a shocker there, just how soon that might be happening. it could be as soon as next month, not much of a warning there. my favorite location to hang out is moving as well. it was right around the corner from me and now its going to be a couple train stops away. i'm not into any particular girl at this time in my life. i just don't have time to care about a romantic life anymore. i guess its not that bad, maybe there just aren't any women in my life right now that i think would be fun to hang out with and get naked with. it doesn't seem to be that big of a priority anymore. not that i don't want that connection, physical and/or emotional. i was standing on my balcony looking out over the brooklyn skyline, the wind pushing my hair into my face. thinking about people i haven't seen in years, wondering if their lives have gone the way they'd expect. i wonder about my own, the outlook is exciting. the potential future looks to be something i could want. my pocket vibrates, no its just a ghost vibration. the phone goes back in my pocket, i mention to the ghost to leave me alone today. watching people passing each other on the sidewalk none of them making eye contact, just looking down and away. someone walks into the apt building next door to mine, they feel eyes on them but don't bother to search them out. i always wondered if my coming of age story required death to find resolution. most coming of age stories do, either with a symbolic death or an actual death. death has hit me pretty hard in the last couple years, did it contribute to my change? or my urge to change? i don't think so, if anything it pushed me in the opposite direction. my urge to change came from something else, anger. my urge to get back at everyone who's ever second guessed me, who talked down to me, who couldn't see that i am that much of an amazing person. the music changes again now its N.E.R.D. this has got to be the most erratic playlist i've had in a while, it seems almost random. the pocket vibrates again, my friend has been shopping for a wedding dress, she lets me know another friend got hit riding a bike. a very bizarre mess there. i keep threatening to leave her life, i love hanging out with her at times, and i hate it at others. i keep thinking it would be better if i didn't see her again. my life would become something much better. maybe not i don't know. explosions in the sky fades out to slayer jumping in, the insanity of the music isn't lost on me as its more of a representative of my life so far. strangely the whole tapestry makes no sense when jumping around on it. but from beginning to end it paints a steady picture. maybe i'm the ghost and i'm haunting myself.