Not sure about school. in Since OD is shutting down....

So my daughter has gone to school 3 times now and has been picked up early twice. Monday I just laid down to nap when they called saying she had a fever again and I had to come pick her up. I don’t know what’s going on because I took her to the dr the first time I had to get her early and they said she had some e. coli but would be fine so I can stop the antibiotics and I’ve checked her temp 3 times a day everyday and she’s been just fine. I’m definitely wondering about her going back and worried this is just going to keep happening because she doesn’t get sent home early just for the day but for the whole week.

I have a job interview next Thursday and I’m extremely concerned that I won’t have childcare. I’m really going to be upset if I have to put her back in daycare because they can’t keep track of her stuff, it’s expensive and they don’t exactly take accountability for shit. I am really hoping school ends up working out but if not, I know what I’m going to have to do and it’s the last thing I want. I’m really frustrated because I was looking forward to getting a break before going back to work and it’s not working out.

She’s napping now so I’m able to write. We went to Walmart earlier where she was extremely bad and made it absolutely miserable. Then, I lost her for about 30 seconds and in the short period of time, I lost my fucking mind. I completely hate taking her with me to the store because it’s expensive and is extremely time consuming but I’m not going to arrange/pay for someone to watch her.

My parents are still in the process of selling their house. They got the appraisal done and the results aren’t great. I haven’t talked them today but I’m just really hopeful that things work out for them because this has been a long, drawn-out, expensive thing for them and I just want it to all be okay. We haven’t put the dog down yet and not sure when we will because my Mom gets super emotional whenever we talk about it and she’s not ready but his quality of life is declining.

Anyways, I really want things to work out for my daughter to be in school because I want to make it to where I get a break for a whole day, get back to the gym, be able to meal prep, and have time to run errands. I guess if it doesn’t work out, I’m going to try and get her on the same schedule as her school because it’s going to make it that much easier to transition into kindergarten.

So I creeped SD’s facebook and saw that he’s trying to get back with that girl that he was with when he left me when I was pregnant. He’s also in a relationship with a 46 year old woman on another website. I think if anyone knew exactly how many women he’s sleeping with, trying to be with, and otherwise messing around with, it would probably blow your fucking mind. I can’t say that I don’t care because obviously I do since I’m talking about it but it’s just crazy that he hasn’t changed a bit. I can’t believe that I had a baby with someone like that. I care because he’s more worried about woman than being a Dad. I have his little girl that would absolutely love to know him. She asked me the other day if he was coming over and I just said that I didn’t know.

My best friend thinks that I should tell her that he’s just not ready to be a Dad but I don’t think she’s quite old enough to understand. It’s just painful knowing I’m going to have that conversation with her one day and I’m left to pick up the pieces. They don’t care what they leave behind and what the Mom’s are going to deal with. We are the dumping ground for all the negative emotions and it’s really hard to digest. It makes me really emotional knowing he’s never going to be a Dad. I know that I’ve made the absolute best of my situation and give her the world to the best of my ability but I can’t give her a Dad.

I hold onto hope that it could get better someday. I feel that I owe it to my child to stay open minded but I know in my heart that he’s never going to be what she needs him to be. He’s just the most selfish, self-centered asshole and I’m sorry to every single Mom going through this exact same thing. I wish I knew what to think so it doesn’t make me angry anymore but I don’t.