I have fallen and I don’t wanna get up. I am fully obsessed with Jackson and I have no doubt that I am in love with him. We have seen each other almost every day for the past 7 days. You would think that I’d be sick of him by now but I’m not. We have such a special connection I can’t even describe it! It’s like we’ve known each other for years.
He met my parents yesterday on a whim. Of course, they loved him (Thank God). I think my mom could tell how in love he is with me and vise versa. I mean, it’s hard to miss when he looks at me the way he does. It’s insane to me how secure he makes me feel about everything. I have never felt this way before… Even with my first love who I REALLY loved I never felt like this. I just know that he would do anything for me.
I almost feel like I am living in some sort of romance novel on Wattpad. How is it that we can be so perfect for each other? Last night as we lay snuggled up on the couch he explained to me how he feels like I have given him this opportunity to start over and be the man he was meant to be. That after all that he has been through I am his ONE opportunity for true happiness and there is no way he is going to let himself mess this up. I believe him.
Because he is older I feel more secure when he tells me I am the one. He has lived 10 more years than I have and therefore he has gotten enough experience to know what he really wants. I as a woman, who needs to think about my fertile timeline constantly, have been forced to really investigate what I want from a man. This combination works really well in our favor.
The one thing about Jackson that I was really hesitant about was the fact that he has a 3-year-old son. I always wanted my partner and me to experience having our first child together. With Jackson, I won’t get that. At first, this really bothered me but as we talk about what a future together would look like that bother has gone away. I just know that he would love our children so much and I think his son really needs a caring woman like myself in his life. It’s almost like my love for children who aren’t my own (being a nanny for the last 6 years) was purposeful practice for a future of loving a son that isn’t mine.
Jackson opened up to me about how his son’s mother is great at taking care of him but struggles with being a CARING mother. Affection is so vital for a young boy and especially for a young boy of color. Oftentimes, young boys and men of color are expected to be tough and stoic from a very young age. I took a few communication classes that lightly discussed this topic in college. there was one class that I took my final year that really dove into the subject. The course was called “critical/cultural communication” It was an upper-division class so we really EXPLORED the subjects deeply. We discussed how African American mothers tended to be harder on their sons/ have a tendency to put down their sons due to the lingering effects of slavery. Back when an African American mother’s son could be taken and sold, making your son less appealing by putting him down meant he might not be taken away from you. Although this might have once been beneficial it has evolved into a toxic cycle that feeds into the already toxic masculinity culture that plagues all men no matter their skin color.
Boys NEED so much love that most of them never receive. This brings me back to my point of having a larger purpose of possibly giving his son what he really needs. I know he isn’t mine and I know he will never be MINE but I think if he is anything like his father I will absolutely love him like he is. I am really excited to meet him this week, I think I am really going to adore him. It will be interesting to see Jackson in full-blown father mode. I think I can be a good influence in both of their lives. I am planning on making dinner for them this week, it’ll be nice to see how we all get along together.
Wish me luck!