We buried my mom on Wednesday the 17th. It was cold…it snowed. I couldn’t make it up the hill, so I sat in the car and smoked a couple cigarettes.
I haven’t really lost my shit yet. I’ve cried a couple times. But, I know I need to get that breakdown going.
Instead, I’ve been doing the phone calls to bills and such. It’s been rough because I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m beyond exhausted. I’m so tired down to my very soul, if that makes sense. And it seems like everything is pointing at me to just REST. Tried to start laundry, but dryer went. Tried to cook, body said “NO”. Tried to shovel the walkway, body said “NO”. Tried to cook and do breakfast dishes, knee and hip wouldn’t even let me get out of the chair. Wanted to try to make a fucking cake with my son and our electricity goes off. Tried to go get groceries, but the fucking plows ended up shoving the snow into our driveway, so there isn’t anyone getting in. I’m about to go shovel and probably die of pain later, but then Jon got sick last night. Stomach bug. When I called him into school today, they said it was going around.
Fuck. Everyone keeps telling me to just rest. I can’t get my mind to shut up, and I’m out of melatonin.
Fuck me. I’m so over all of it.