I told my mom about Jackson and she took it shockingly well… like weirdly well… I think I have Kevin to thank for her supportiveness, ironically. My mom wasn’t the biggest Kevin fan mostly because I think she can’t wrap her mind around a woman (me) being ok with a non-exclusive relationship with a man. She would regularly say things that would imply that he was “using” me. I never felt “USED” but I can see where she’s coming from based on her age and upbringing. SO, when I told her about this man who wants nothing but me and that I really like him, she was relieved.
My mom is hyper-critical of any man in my life. I understand that she just doesn’t want what happened to her to happen to me. She always asks a plethora of questions. it didn’t take long for her to ask how old he was. She had a slight hesitation at first but got over that VERY quickly when she saw my exasperated response to her “HE’S 34!?”. She then rattled off a list of her friends who have successful marriages that have the same age gap. I’m truly surprised, but I think she knows that I will eventually stop telling her things if she keeps responding so negatively.
I wish that I had the confidence that my younger brother has. He is so sure of everything that he does and I admire that. He does whatever he wants and doesn’t let what other people think impact his decision-making because even when he makes questionable decisions people hardly question him. Is that what it’s like being a white male?… people question everything I do, CONSTANTLY, just because I am a woman. How am I supposed to not let that affect how I think about myself?
Tonight is the first dance night since Jackson and I have gotten together. I’m a mixture of excited and nervous. We have seen each other almost every day since last Saturday and I am confident in us at this point. I haven’t felt this way in a LONG LONG time. We decided to keep our relationship under wraps because we aren’t ready to share the information with everyone in the dance scene. I am the one who initiated this because for whatever reason people are extra nosey about the going-on’s in my life. I swear it feels like the tabloids are watching me dance. I can’t even carpool with male friends without people making up rumors about us dating. I’m not ready to share US with the public. As much as I am not ready, I also realize that it is going to be extremely hard to pretend that I don’t wanna be dancing with him all night. I give us 2 hours and then the jig will be up hahaha. I doubt he will be able to stay away from me.
It’s hard because we run in completely different social circles so there is no reason for us to be spending so much time together. We are going to be figured out WAY too quickly lol. Maybe I’ll be evil and wear a really hot outfit that I know he won’t be able to keep his hands away from. It’s like in twilight when Bella and Edward decide to show up at school together hahahaha. I know his female friends are going to be WAY worse than my friends. Mostly because my friends are primarily male. Women are ruthless with each other and especially with women who are invading their “territory” for instance, a new girl dating their homeboy. Not to mention that I am a WHITE woman (white-passing, I’m Latina too).
Race doesn’t matter to me like that, don’t get me wrong, I acknowledge race, it’s just that it isn’t a deciding factor for me. I’m not one of those “I don’t see color” people trying to erase someone’s culture in my mind.
Anyway, we will see how things play out.