The abuse from our residential schools continued in day schools on our reservations here in Canada. I just learned yesterday that my father was a victim. My government is paying out compensation and my relatives want me to collect on behalf of my deceased father. I’m experiencing a dilemma because I do not want that money. I want that generational karma to end with my sisters and me. This would be a level of justice for my aunts and uncles and I don’t know how I fit into that. I am not a legacy, I do not want to carry any generational trauma.
I am saddened to learn this though. I look at my niece and nephew and think about all of the kids around the world who are not safe and are not getting their needs met. This makes me so sad. The thought of someone looking at my father when he was an innocent child and feeling entitled to his body makes me so angry and sad. I’m a survivor of that myself but not from an institution. I think of this generation right now and how we are going to raise them to be victims and oppressors and all that other garbage we just indoctrinated half the millennials and zoomers with. I want us all to transcend that. We are not genders, we have them. We are not ethnicities, we have them. We are not our beliefs we have them. We are not politics, castes, creeds or legacies. We are individual consciousness having a temporary human experience.
Be a good native keeps repeating in my head also. I am unlearning all of the limiting beliefs that came from the indoctrination that I mentioned above but also from the racism and bigotry that I experience. I control my narrative and the mistake I made was believing what they had to say too long. Using it to influence my choices. Mostly all I need to do to be a good native is avoid handouts of all kinds. That was just thrown in my face a few entries back actually. That is why I changed my profile picture on Facebook to myself wearing a headdress. Never speaking about the crimes against humanity that my living relatives endured would make me an even better native. My city has the title of the most racist in Canada and I don’t agree with that. There are ignorant people everywhere but it is not systemic. Well, they did legislate equity which is like building a house on sand. Personal responsibility will have to come into play at some point. Responsibility is the ability to respond. We are response-able. I see this the same way Candace Owens does in regards to how Liberals targeted her community to create dependency. In my mind, the government created the problem so why would we use them to fix it? I’m not sure where I stand on these First Nations issues. I’m all over the place and I’m more focused on the radical anti-white rhetoric. This scares me with the regime growing here in the west. It was Jewish supremacy and Jewish privilege in 1940 Germany. These ideas about white privilege and white supremacy are dangerous. The writing is on the wall.
Something else has been randomly plaguing my mind. A lot of “conspiracy theorists” believe that our governments are trafficking children and committing heinous crimes against them. I’ve seen their case and it is pretty convincing. Nobody wanted to believe it was happening to my people. We have mass gravesites with thousands of indigenous children and that was also a baseless conspiracy theory once upon a time. The people in 1940 Germany didn’t believe their concentration camps were doing what they were doing. Today, public opinion is in denial about what the CCP is doing to the Uyghurs. It’s hard to just shake off this conspiracy theory. I’m haunted because of recent footage of what looked like the military leading children out of the Whitehouse in the dark of night. It could be nothing but I don’t want to just look away from the possibility. It’s not far-fetched at all when you look at recent history.