If you’ve read my last few posts you will know that I recently started dating a woman. Let’s call her… “Ivy” for privacy sake (I change everyone’s name when I write). I really enjoy spending time with her. She is the breath of fresh air and the break I needed from drowning in the sea of toxic men.
In the last year or so I have been deprived of close friendships/relationships with other women my age. When I moved away from the city where I went to college I left behind my female companions. Returning to my home-city I haven’t found any other ways to make friends besides dance and therefore most of my friends are male. I love being friends with men but they can’t offer the same understanding that other women can.
Spending time with Ivy, although it is a romantic relationship, has shown me how much I really missed the company of other women. Of course, it helps that we are very similar people. She is a pessimist/realist like me, a little on the negative side. She likes to “hate” on the things just like me! Not that I ACTUALLY hate things but I like to find humor in a kind of negative way. Ivy has the same humor as me. I love this because a lot of people just call me a negative person because they don’t get it but Ivy understands and feeds into it. I love it!
I also love that she isn’t shy. I am not a shy person and therefore feel like I dominate situations when I am with shy people. I don’t like feeling like I’m not leaving space for who I am with. Ivy has no issue taking her space and I love that. I also like that she is not shy of physicality. She plays with my hair, touches my thigh, holds my hand, etc and it doesn’t matter where we are. I personally don’t give a singular fuck what anyone thinks about my sexuality and so I have no issue with PDA. I actually kind of enjoy making straight people uncomfortable with my COMFORT in showing PDA with another woman in public. I like to watch people squirm. I had a friend tell me that he admired me for my lack of shyness about being with a woman in public. As much as that is a compliment it makes me sad that being openly queer is still not commonly accepted. I just think about it as “It’s not my problem your bigoted views cause you to be uncomfortable”. Someone’s discomfort with MY sexuality is none of my damn business. I always say to myself “If no one would bat an eyelash if this were a man then it shouldn’t be any different with a woman”.
Anyway! long story short I’m loving this! I am a little afraid that I will have a hard time going back to being with a man. I don’t want to be with a woman long-term because I want to have a family one day with my spouse. I want my children to be both me and my partner’s genes. I know that is an antiquated way of thinking but I think there are certain things in life you don’t need to compromise on. I get one life and I’ll live it the way I want to. I just worry that I won’t find a man that is good enough.
I guess only time will tell!