Today is surgery day in Weight Loss Surgery

For Will. And I’m nervous. I’m flat out scared. I’m thinking about how much worse his health is than mine was on my surgery day.

I should be asleep.

We both did the pre op stuff that said his heart is fine and now he’s actually lost close to 40lbs from the summer to now so he’s in the best shape our wls doc has ever seen him in.

But for me, with my eating habits, I want to cheat, badly. I’ve thought about ordering something bad while he’s gone. To distract myself while he’s in surgery.

IF there was anything bad in this house, I would have downed it.

But also there’s the fact that I can’t really eat much AND I’m afraid of making myself really sick.

When I think about how I used to binge. I don’t think I ever really listed all I would buy and eat. I would eat a whole box of pasta with a cream or butter sauce, a whole cookie cake, a pint of some ice cream, a bottle of chocolate milk.

I would ENJOY it. I love ask those foods. I would ingest alllll of it, alone. That’s just an example. Everytime I went to the grocery store specifically to binge it was for something different. A different craving. I are everything you could ever crave.

And then I would kinda give myself 10 minutes to..... breathe after everything was done. Id regret it , def. And then I’d go throw it up. Which wasn’t pleasant but I’d feel relief that I got to eat everything I wanted but I wouldn’t gain.

And sometimes I’d do it multiple times in a day.

Maybe I didn’t finish the cookie pie or there was still some pasta left.

The point is, I guess, that I felt that feeling of wanting to buy out the grocery store while Will was in the hospital.

I want to turn to food, to sugar, because I’m scared.

And right now I kind of physically can’t.

Plus, even if I had like 4 cookies or something, cause of my tiny stomach. I don’t want to wreck my stomach and then something happens and he needs me and I can’t get off the toilet!!

So I really can’t turn to food right now and I feel like I can’t get out of my head about how scared I am and the what ifs because I can’t eat away the anxiety.