“the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses.”
Nothing gives me more mental stress than thinking about how you will never fully understand someone else’s perception of things, whether that be their perception of you, a situation, another person, or even LIFE itself.
Kevin and I haven’t spoken to each other since returning from his birthday trip about 2 weeks ago. I have mixed feelings about this still. As I have been left to marinate in my feelings they have mostly resolved into the pain of feeling betrayed and hurt feelings. One night I was feeling a little extra sad after I got off the phone with my best friend (We had been talking about what had happened between me and Kevin) so I decided to smoke a bowl and take a long shower. The conversation I had had with Shelby (my best friend) had made me take a different perspective I hadn’t thought about… What if Kevin had a completely different idea of what our relationship was? Somehow on this trip, adding others to the mix we had both simultaneously destroyed each other’s idea of what we were. It’s a little devastating to think about… This safe space I thought I had with him may have never existed. I guess some of the pain I feel is grief for the relationship I thought I had with him.
I knew that our relationship wasn’t going to end up with us ever being together long term or even truly being monogamous but It was something that gave me a lot of comfort this last 7 or 8 months, especially because of how crazy this last year has been. There were plenty of times we leaned on each other for comfort. For fucks sake, we went through having Covid-19 together! We laid together in fever and I swabbed his forehead with cold wash clothes when his fever got much worse than mine. So excuse me for feeling that we had a special connection… As I said, I knew we weren’t going to be together. I just thought we had a better understanding than perhaps we did…
I am still marinating in my emotions and slowly coming to terms with what my new reality is. This is not the first time I have been hurt by someone close to me and it will not be the last. I have found it is better to cherish the good memories you have and forgive the person because at one point you both loved each other. I would rather let someone go and keep the fond memories I have with them than hold onto the anger and resentment that come with the pain of losing someone you loved and tainting all of the good you shared with them.
I would rather lose someone than force them into my life or resent them for causing me pain.
I am embracing the change!