Not that I want to start a Monday off with whining but yesterday I snapped a little bit at my sister. Not really a snap exactly, I was blunt. She asked if I was mad because my face looked pissed. I was rushing to get ready because I had plans to link up with Bruce to go for a walk and I was indeed thinking about how tired I was. I didn’t realize that I was mean mugging. I then explained how it’s been three months of no sleep because of them all coming downstairs first thing in the morning to play with the kids. I sleep on her couch, I live out of a suitcase and I’m grateful that I’m not on the streets but I’m a spoiled brat who isn’t being grateful enough, apparently. This basement used to be my bedroom and now it is the toy room. I told her that it was my problem and not hers. I felt bad. I could work on falling asleep earlier. I wait all day for them all to go to sleep so I don’t have to be around their energy. This morning she didn’t send her kids downstairs so I feel rested today. I slept. Finally.
I think I hit my breaking point because a few days ago she committed to becoming a PMS avenger. It’s not like her to be that unstable. She’s pretty self-aware and hates it when she behaves that way but once she started she couldn’t stop. She had to get mad at everything. It was hard to be around. She told me that she only wants dishes done once a day to save on the water bill. I’m cleaning too much. This is of course after being told it wasn’t enough. Which was because she said that I am cleaning too much. Circles man. She was getting mad that I was cooking because that meant the dishes would pile on. I’m not allowed to plug my car in because they need to save on the electrical bill. They didn’t change what I pay for rent and I’m paying for my share of electricity and water. Their obvious solution to saving money would be to quit smoking. It’s almost $20 for a pack of cigarettes and she and her husband smoke almost a pack a day. You know how some roommates have those silent battles over the thermostat? Ours is over the air wicks and scented wax. She knows it harms me but she keeps turning them on. This is all petty things and I don’t have to let it bother me. Although, I did just remind her that her scented stuff is harming me.
Bruce and I went for a walk at the dog park. She’s really lost a lot of weight. I’m so proud of her. I don’t think she will need the gastric bypass surgery and I lowkey don’t want her to but that’s her decision. She has a team of five different specialists and they’re telling her that her current lifestyle supports not needing the surgery so if she is going to get the surgery she needs to stop doing what she is currently doing. Her crash diet and exercise is only 5% effective because 95% of people gain the weight back because it requires a lifelong lifestyle change. She thinks she can commit to it. She inspires me. I miss that feeling. I realized that I had completely numbed myself out here. To protect myself from feeling vulnerable, obviously. A lesser man would probably become an alcoholic and people would relate to him more than they can with me and my big mouth. My attachment issues are not drugs, it’s just that I keep myself radically distracted by overconsuming information and relaying it online. It really brings out the narcissists but that’s okay. It gives me the opportunity to get better at not giving a fuck about those with pathological issues. If you ever want to wish hell on someone wish that they would become a pathological narcissist. Somebody on here recently had to bring up my race to make their point that they’re better than me. Can you believe? I try not to have half-ass standards, I believe in free speech so I don’t block or report anybody ever. I don’t need to give them their narcissist supply either. I control my narrative. If I make someone insecure and they have to attack me, never the argument, then that’s their issue. Not mine. Also, on our walk, we found a hundred dollars worth of cash. We split it. Bruce felt dirty keeping it. Literally, the park is full of people we have no clue who it belonged to. Finders keepers.
I really want to attach to things that give me health and that is going to be my project today. I saw a woman jogging in the snow covered roads yesterday and got inspired. My knees don’t like the bone-chilling weather though. I’ll try anyway. Bruce started jogging outside also. I noticed that I have a few missed calls this morning also. I am hoping they are for interviews. I’ll return them once I’m done my coffee. I don’t want to feel like a nihilistic millennial today. We are allowed to sell non-essential items again so a lot of businesses have opened up and I applied to a lot of them last week. I want to get the ball rolling again. This con-19 took everything, pulled the rug right out from under me. I just want to get back to it, move out and go back to school and start moving my life toward studying naturopathic medicine, wellness-coaching and nutrition. Anyway, onward with my day.