Downside in 2021

I was thinking today (about all I have energy for: I am still bleeding heavily. Tried to grocery shop yesterday, but I can only be away from home/toilet/sink for like 90 minutes to 2 hours.) Anyway. I was thinking how much I miss writing. And then I was trying to identify why I miss it, because fuck, I’m supposed to be doing it, right? And then I realized, I miss it because I don’t have time to do it because I have to do school crap. That lowkey made me realize I’m kind of done with education for a little while. I want to bounce back for a while now.

I get that I need to make big changes. Work will be one. The bonus there is that I am like seven months into this internship and I’m still happy about it. The biggest issue with it all is scheduling, and that is an issue because I have issues sleeping with the lights on (his part of the room) or the tv on (guess where.) If I had a separate bedroom, I would sleep better. But instead I have Shitty Roommates, so that’s not a thing. I know I could put my foot down, and I fucking ought to, but fuck this. He can fix it. He’s doing fuck all else.

So I kind of have a job (sort of) and I’m doing okay. Pay would be awesome. I like what I do and I feel clean about it. I’m not hurting anyone. I just help develop jobs for people with developmental disabilities. Everyone who wants to work should be able to. And some people who don’t want to should have their heads examined (ahem, spouse.) Not only does he not want to work, he doesn’t want to do domestic work either, which means that really, what he wants to do is sleep all day, watch tv all night, and…I don’t even know. I do know I don’t wanna.

I want to work, it turns out. I like it. It’s soothing. It has structure. But also rewards, in the form of money. I like money fine.

Didn’t volunteer today. Bleeding so heavily I fear I would mess myself on the bus and have to come right back anyhow. Feel bad about that, but it’s NOT my fault that something triggered this spasmodic vomiting out of Trump Baby and the drug they gave me did fuck all to stop it. It’s day 9. It started last Friday, as light staining and some brownish stuff. I get a little of that most months and that’s all that happens. Not this time. Holy christ not this time at all. Hey, I’m on my eighth ultra tampon since I woke up (I think I slipped getting the cup in and cut myself with my fingernail, so I’m giving that a break.) I’ve only been up…uh, 9 hours. So I’ve basically been in the loo every hour or so. Although one of the tampons was a misfire, and one was just for the shower, so it’s not quite as horrible as it sounds.

anyway. I want some stuff for me. I want away from this house (it will never be my house) I want away from this relationship (what was I thinking) I want away from…well most of this. I don’t know what I was on. But I don’t want to live like this any more. I’ve come so far and I’ve done so much and I still want more, so can I…you know, just hold it together so I can break down in therapy (where is that woman anyway) like a sensible adult who is terrified that she’ll be foreveralone but also scared that she’ll be in this shitty relationship until she kills the fucker at the same time?

Because leaving us together too much longer is going to end up on the news at 9 with a graphic content warning. I just can’t…handle…babyidiotman. I just want him to choke and die. Anything to get him out of my way. Please. One day I want a sofa that doesn’t smell like a homeless festival Honey Bucket.