Tick Tock in First entry

Here I am again. time passing and I am trying my best to hold on. I thought things would smooth out. I thought after court the stupid games would end. But no, that continue on. Same old song. I try to have a discussion, she disagrees. I explain my reasoning and she tells me to go fuck myself. Now it has turned into financial games. She feels she is entitled to the stimulus money that has recently been released. $600 per person, she gets half. Ignore the fact that I have the kids full time. $330 for childcare reimbursement, she gets half. Nevermind the fact that she has only paid me $500 t date for the kids. She has had nearly $30k pass through her hands, but child support is unreasonable. She made a claim that the animals are for the kid’s 4H participation. The reality is, you don’t have to have your own animals to participate. But, it kicked the can down the road. Just more back child support she will owe me. What’s disgusting is that she will not have t pay it in full. She gets to have an interest free loan while I continue to pay for everything for the kids. It’s not right. As she feigns concern, I am the one having to fight her to do what is best for the kids.

It’s insane two adults can’t have a simple discussion. It should be as simple of this is what I think and this is why. This is why I feel my idea is better or that’s a good point, but did you think about this. it shouldn’t be that difficult. What she fails to realize is if she would explain her reasoning, I am not set on any course of action. That is unless I absolutely can’t make it work. The only place I have no give and the judge will have to order me to make a change is her boyfriend. There hasn’t been any change there. He can put up a front, but he is who he is. He can’t hide from his established pattern of behavior and the interactions with my ex only prove that he is the influencer. He continues to contact me, despite the fact I have never replied to him. I don’t want to talk to him. He is irrelevant. I have absolutely no business with him and want him to leave me alone. His repeated contact has forced me to file a restraining order on him. The stress of him contacting me and her behavior has me waking up in the night because I keep dreaming they are chasing me. I am not a timid person, but the reality is I am exhausted and I am tired of fighting. I just want to move on.

She has literally cut ties with everyone that has ever loved her, with the exception of her aunts. But again, they only know what she has told them. They don’t know the full truths. In reality, I don’t care who she associates with. I don’t care what happens to her. I just can’t allow her to drag my kids into it.

My kids went to her house last week. 3-10 hour days and each day, her boyfriend was somehow involved. She doesn’t get it. The judge said if the kids see or are exposed to him, she will end up with supervised visitation. This isn’t a game I am playing to hurt her. This is to protect the kids. Since the order wasn’t signed yet, I have no recourse. Now I have it signed. Let me find out she exposes the kids again and I will take that, along with all of my documented exposures, to the judge. I am tired of the games. I don’t honestly know how the investigation into him will go, but it doesn’t change my position. How do you change a 20 year pattern of behavior? The threat is real despite what she feels. When the kids come home, my son is not excited. Well, he is excited about the stuff my ex buys him, but he could careless about the actual time there. My daughter can’t shut up about her new baby brother. It’s like a knife right to the gut, but she doesn’t know that. I just smile and listen and tell her she is going to be a great big sister. I try to navigate the questions like “When I was a baby, how did I get out of my birth mom’s belly?” That’s always fun to explain. I just tell her it’s different depending on the doctor and the mommy, they have different ways. She asked if the doctor goes through the mommy’s belly and I say sometimes, but it can vary. She was content with that. Then you have my daughter asking me is I still love mommy or she tells me that her teacher said I can still love her mommy even if she has a boyfriend. She tells me she wants to have a baby. I tell her that she needs to wait until she is grown and married. She then asks if the reason mommy is pregnant is because she is married to me. I just tell her that mommy is not having my baby and I believe it’s important for two people to be married before they have a baby. These are the conversations I am forced to have. The questions I have to answer. It’s not something that anyone should have to deal with.

Stress relief…How do I relieve stress? Well, right now I have found a love for cooking. I can make some pretty amazing food, but it is time consuming. I am trying things from all over. Stir fry, Butter chicken, Pastelón, Chicken noodle soup. There is something therapeutic about taking raw ingredients and turning them into an amazing dish. Now, I feel Spaghetti is cheap and easy. Almost like I am cheating. A dish that I shouldn’t be proud of making. Yet, I have tried to work on my meal prepping so I can spend more time with the kids. Harry Potter 3D puzzles, drawing, rough housing we do it all. We try to have fun in between balancing everything else.

The challenge of being a newly single father, dealing with a divorce and the new world of distance learning has created a whole new world of challenges. Both kids were struggling with school. I’ve had to spend a large portion of my time at night trying to verify their assignment are correct and complete. My daughter was way behind on assignments and her knowledge of sight words. I’ve gotten her caught up on assignments and last night I heard her read an entire book in an assessment. Success! I felt such a sense or pride. 3 weeks ago she struggled to count to 20. She always missed 13 and 14. She wasn’t able to sound out words, but now she can count to 39 and she read a whole book. All of our hard work is paying off. My son was really struggling in school. I feel it had more to do with the divorce than the actual distance learning. I have him caught up on assignments and we are working on his writing to help him to get the thoughts he has in his head down on paper. a couple days ago he took a math assessment. He scored on the Kindergarten level. His teacher reached out and told me and I panicked. I was filled with fear because I know how this reflects on me. His teacher asked if we could have him retake it and I absolutely agreed that he was well above it. He and I talked and I explained how important these assessments are and I wanted to take his time and try his best. He retook it and placed in the 4th grade where he belongs. As he was taking it, I would ask him to explain how he got to his answer and he was able to explain it perfectly. It’s something we are going to have to continue to work on.

I am still standing. I sometimes feel like there’s no way I can take another step. I am on the cusp of losing everything. It’s like no matter what I do, it’s not good enough. Other days, I see that I am doing well. Things are going well and I can do this. I think the hardest thing is I have to walk this alone. I friends to talk to and people that care about me. I have people that say they are willing to help, but something inside of me can’t let go. I fear if I get too distant or I accept help, it’s going to fall apart. I am too prideful to let anyone come over to clean, yet I stress because the house can be messy. The laundry get’s done, but I detest folding it. I don’t know how other single parents do it. The weight of everything falls on me and if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. Sometimes, I have to sit back and just say to myself that the kids are doing ok. They have everything they need and they know that they are loved. That is enough. I sometimes wonder how did my life become this? What did I do to deserve this? I busted my ass to make something of myself. I just wanted to give my kids the opportunities I didn’t have growing up. When will things get back to normal? When will I just be able to look forward to doing something fun? No, fun happens, but it’s sporadic and usually it’s the small things I try to take in. Going to visit friends? No, that doesn’t happen. I have a friend that came over while the kids were with their mom last weekend. It was nice. She helped me get my Christmas tree down and actually do some stuff around the house. My ex brought the kids by because they had bought me an ice cream cake while they were out. It was surprising, but the whole time, I was thinking, I bet I’ll hear something asking who’s car is that?

My kids asked and I told them it was a friend that was helping me get caught up on projects around the house. I am sure if my ex knew, she would say it was my girlfriend…Girlfriend? I don’t have time for a girlfriend. I don’t have the capacity to navigate a romantic relationship. Is there an option for a future? Who knows? I have been very clear that I think she is pretty and I like hanging out, but right now I am not getting into anything serious. We can chat about life and kids and help each other with odd jobs around our houses, but as far as a romantic relationship goes, that’s not something that’s on my mind. I absolutely refuse to jump into anything. I don’t need to fill that position. I would like someone to cuddle with at night, but I am not going to just throw someone into that place for the sake of having someone there. Any future relationship will be further down the road. It will be based on mutual respect, the ability to open up and fully share ourselves. We will have shared values and common interests. What that looks like, I don’t know? Could I see a future with my friend? Possibly, but I have been very clear that right now is not the time. I don’t know if it will ever be the time. I had my heart ripped apart and I am still healing. I can’t place either of us into that position. I tell her if she likes me to run. Don’t expect this to turn into a thing because I can’t make promises and risk hurting either of us. She agreed and we know that, for now, we can hang out and support each other, we can have the kids play together, but we both have to have boundaries and realistic expectations.

I will date again and I would like to get married again eventually, but I want to do it right. I want my kids to see how dating and marriage should be done. I want them to feel safe and secure. I want them to always know they are a priority and before anyone else will remotely be an option as a wife for me, my kids will love her and she will love them. It’s not about me or how I feel, it’s about them and raising them feeling loved and to know that no matter what happens in life, dad will always be a safe space to run to. Life is hard. The have so many challenges ahead of them, but at the same time, they have to know that I am their rock. When they feel the whole world is against them, I never want them to feel alone.

I still wonder how I am going to make it through this. I sometimes feel the cards are stacked against me and that I don’t have any other options but to take the next step. I have to make it on my own, but how? When does life return to normal? When does her instability stop affecting me? Why can’t she see how her choices are affecting the children? All in time. Until I get there, I just take the next step and do the best I can to create stability for the children.