I wish I had more to update on my mother. She’s still about the same, honestly. I’d say recovery is going slow, but it’s barely going. They were able to remove the chest tubes yesterday, so I guess that’s a plus. They just can’t figure out why she can’t get enough oxygen when she’s not on the Bipap machine. I called the nurse this morning and they told me that she is supposed to have a number of tests today to look for blood clots and to test her diaphragm. I’ll take any step forward, I just don’t want any steps back.
With everything going on I feel the dark cloud of depression climbing over. I’ve been trying very hard to fight it off. The last few days were tough. I’ve been going through basic motions of keeping the kitchen clean and making food for everyone, along with working from home, but that’s really it. Bare minimum. Monday I had realized that I was wearing the same clothes for the third day. I made myself get up and take a shower. Tuesday I realized I hadn’t brushed my hair in a week. I forced myself to brush my hair out and put it in a pony tail. Today has been a big day, I opened up all of the widows and doors, I took a shower, I put clean clothes on, I brushed my hair, and I am doing laundry. I know that if I don’t do any of this stuff and I just sit around the house in PJ’s barely doing my work it’s going to get worse. I have to continuously remind myself I need to stay strong for Mom, Dad, Brian and Cam. If I don’t, everything is going to crumble. Of course, that kind of pressure doesn’t help me, it tends to make me feel worse, but I fight the uphill climb. And yes, today may be a good day. Today I may be willing to fight. Tomorrow might be different. Tomorrow I might stay and PJ’s and not brush my hair. I have to take each day as it comes and balance not doing anything with being productive.
The struggle is real.