the waiting is the hardest part in 2021

My therapist semi wins. I do need a therapist. I need one right now. I am waiting to hear back from stupid fucking Kaiser about the uterine biopsy they have just done. Tomorrow is the expected callback about the results from pathology, but I am afraid I already know what they’re going to say. I think I have uterine cancer. The symptoms, I have them. Lots of them. Leg pain. Bloatedness. Abdominal pain. Constant discharge that isn’t white or clear or…okay, look, this might be personal, but it’s grayish and giant clumps of fluffy. (I had a screening, it’s not vaginal bacteriosis.) (It is also not a yeast infection, which I first thought it was, and it is also not chlamydia or trichomoniasis.) I do not have HPV, apparently. I don’t have herpes, either. Well, not the genital sort. I do get cold sores.

Speaking of those, this is the worst year ever in terms of my skin: I can’t stop getting stys and eyelid irritation, or huge cysty zits on the side of my face. I thought it was maskne, but it’s constant, even when I wear disposables. I change my pillowcase every few days. I have clean hair that I don’t wear down and a relatively okay regimen for my stupid face.

The doctor said it COULD be PCOS, but if it were, I would have failed the hormonal screenings she ordered. I have normal to low testosterone, normal estradiol, normal everything, except for the wet mount, which is 4+ for epithelial (skin) cells and flagged for amazingly high white blood cell count. They tested those balls and chunks of gray stuff, and that’s what they were. White blood cells and my own skin cells.

I have to use replens like twice a day to have enough moisture in there to wipe out the clumps.

It bleeds if I haven’t put in the moisturizer. But I am not infected, just inflamed. Super inflamed. there’s no swelling. There’s no yeast. There’s no smell. Just constant, horrible twisting cramps, sometimes I’m constipated and sometimes I cramp so hard I crap myself (this is a thing.) I’m always either nauseated or half asleep. I cramped so hard while I was shopping that I scraped my knee in the parking lot because my legs gave out. I tipped the cart back! (I was putting shit in my trunk.) I hurt all the time.

And I’m scared. I’m so scared.