It took me for-fucking-ever to fall asleep last night. I think I was awake when Protector left for work. I woke up at 7:30 and could have stayed up but I let myself go back to sleep. I woke up again at 9, 9:30, 10, 10:15, 10:30, 11 and then finally noon.
When I woke up, I immediately checked my account and called both unemployment help lines. They told me my account doesn’t exist but that my year doesn’t expire until July. What the fuck, man? I know we have the stimulus coming but mine isn’t going to clear for a few more days and I’m cutting it really close already. I’m going to sob if I have to touch my savings again, I’m not even going to lie. I’ve worked my ass off for years to save what little bit I have and I don’t want to see it all go away thanks to this dumb fucking pandemic. Fuck you, Corona. I messaged my friend (MW) last night to see if he wanted to hang out today. He responded around 5am saying yes so I asked when when I woke up at 7:30. He finally messaged me back a little after I was off the phone with unemployment. Mom brought me over to his house around 2:15. I gave the kids their weighted stuffed animals. F ended up picking the dragon and D picked the shark so MW is the proud owner of a heavy unicorn now. It amuses me. I told him he could name it something dark like “Killer” or something fitting like “Princess”. BH, DG and A came over a little while after I got there. We all just kinda hung out. MW had to go get somethings so I hung out with the kids, and DG, BH, CS and his girlfriend thing. DG, BH, MW and I went to walmart and we were there for WAY too long, I think it was over an hour. I walked around with my brother a little bit also. When we got back we almost immediately left for DG’s house. I spent some time watching his fish like I usually do. He got two new shrimp and a purple tang. The purple tang is in the isolation tank currently. I found a little tiny hermit crab that I didn’t know was in there which is cool. I just really like his aquarium. DG and BH had me laughing myself to tears with this dumb modded car in their game. It was so fucking funny. I went out into the sun room with JS. She was drunk but we were talking about relationships and kids and a bunch of different things. The boys all came out at one point and then MW stayed and talked with us. He was also drunk at that point. We had an entire conversation about periods and birth control. I don’t remember how we got there but the two of them were talking about Billie Eilish and Trump. Arguing, actually. It was pretty interesting. MW and I had a semi long, deep conversation about various things after JS went back in the house. It was nice. I did keep saying that that was meant to be a sober conversation but it’s all good. My brother came and got me and we went to sheetz. There were a lot of people in there including the fuck boy collective, a probably late 30s couple and an 18 year old girl. The husband was making a big deal about how he knows her dad and even face timed him. She was laughing but she looked so embarrassed and uncomfortable. It really bothered me.
Now I’m half laying in bed with Protector who is sleeping and writing this. It’s 1:48 and I’m going to bed as soon as I’m done with this.
I am grateful for:
1.) My mom for taking me to MW’s.
2.) My brother for picking me up.
3.) Protector for ordering my book for this year and my phoenix sticker.
4.) MW for being a real friend and not asking me for more than I want to give.
5.) Bumping into KelGil for the first time in many years
6.) Getting to spend my time with some of the more wonderful and caring people in my life, sleepy Protector included.
7.) Crush and Squirt for being the most understanding, resilient, and patient dogs I’ve ever met.
8.) Getting to see DGs aquarium for the first time in a while. It’s so freaking cool, I’m obsessed.
9.) F and D absolutely loving their heavy stuffed animals.
10.) Warm blankets and hot cocoa.
Good/Happy/Positive/Surprising things that happened today:
1.) Indigo kneading the blanket by my shoulder and nuzzling my shoulder.
2.) F and D absolutely lighting up when they found out that the heavy stuffies were for them. It was so fucking cute. F has wanted that dragon since she saw mine (Jupiter/Slump) the first time. She named hers Saturn.
3.) F telling me about why she likes the planet names and telling me that she was upset that people say that Pluto isn’t a planet because it is! She related the planets back to Pluto, Mickey Mouse’s dog.
4.) Playing with Lil Whale for a good long while. I love seeing her run and play. She was so happy.
5.) Getting to spend time watching the Aquarium and playing with Coco
6.) Protector helping me by reminding me that we can figure all the stressors out.
7.) MW loving the unicorn. I’m honestly a little bit surprised that he’s happy about it. He mentioned it a few times, too. I know he genuinely likes it.
8.) Having a good conversation with JS. I like her a lot but she’s usually back in her room when we come over so I don’t get to see her much.
9.) Having a deep conversation with MW about some things that have been on my mind. He was really empathetic and understanding which is a nice change of pace from where i’ve been with everyone else.
10.) My brother and I getting sheetz. It was such a small moment and it was really fucking annoying because of the people in there but we had a good conversation, too. Plus I got some really good, really warm (duh) hot cocoa. It was much needed after being in the sun room for like an hour or more.
Goals I had for today:
-Get 3 things off master to-do done
-Write an entry
-Make sure Protector ordered my book and sticker
-Brush teeth and wash face twice
-Go to bed earlier than 2:30
-Write a letter to future me
Things I accomplished today:
-3 things off of master to do (Write at least one sentence every day, spend time with friends, call unemployment line)
-Write an entry (this one)
-Got Protector to order my book and sticker
-Brushed teeth and washed face once
-Going to bed earlier than 2:30 (It’s 2:10, it counts.)
Goals for tomorrow:
-Wash our bedding
-Start working on going through stuff across from stairs
-Wake up earlier than noon
-Wash face and brush teeth twice
-Get Protector to watch something with me (if he’s up for it)
-Write an entry
-Write a letter to future me
-Work on master-to-do list
-Be forgiving of myself if I don’t get all of this done