Liquid Diet - Day 4 of 12 in Weight Loss Surgery

So last night - maybe like 11 I broke down and had a hard boiled egg with pesto sauce. I say “broke down” like it was super bad but what I did in the morning was worse - I had Farina. But I didn’t put sugar - it was like a savory grits with pesto sauce. I guess it was kinda like a polenta but I think polenta take cornmeal.

I DUNNO anyway I’m slipping BUT lemme tell you that Farina really held me over. It’s real food!

Ugh, anyway

So this morning I go to the house to trap. The owner is away on vacation. I set up 4 traps - I know nobody else does this but it isn’t like a 5 minute thing setting up traps.

I was JUST ABOUT to put the food in the traps to lure the kitties and I see on her deck cat food.

This lady left like 4 bowls of cat food out!!

I’m sure I’ve said this before but when you trap cats the only way you get them is with food. So you have to kinda starve them out a day or two so they will risk going in the traps for food and get trapped!

So the lady that set this allllllllllll up - the same lady who didn’t answer me for 10 hours - didn’t tell the woman to Not Feed the cats so they’re hungry!

I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO MAAAAAAAAAAAAAD that I set ALL the traps up before I noticed all the food on the deck. I was there at 7am - cramps and all.

So I took a picture of the food and said these cats have been eating all weekend so I’m not gonna catch anything.

I didn’t tell her I was leaving but I packed my shit and left and went to hang out with Emma before she went to the asshole’s.

An hour later this lady gets back to me and ask if I’m trapping there and I said NO, I LEFT (not in caps lol).

Two hours after that she was like, can you go back later in the day?

WTF for??? I didn’t remove the food off the woman’s deck so why would I go trap there? I said no.

She asked if I could trap tomorrow, I said no.

I want to help cats and I appreciate this rescue cause they DO A LOT but this lady fucked this all up.

So I hung out with Emma.

They made fresh gingerbread cookies. I was SOOOO tempted. AND I totally planned to take a tiny bite cause I really wanted to know how they tasted but then I fucking forgot, which in the end is better for me.

Me and my mom haven’t really been able to talk much about it cause we can’t in front of Emma and Emma doesn’t leave anyone alone.

She asked if I needed a ride for anything and I said I didn’t think so but I don’t know the time of the surgery yet so I don’t know when I need to be at the hospital. Will may be able to take me but I’m not sure.

My mom keeps trying to ask HOW this is going to happen - like what a sleeve surgery really is - but she’s gonna have to Google it cause I haven’t gotten a chance to explain.

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So I’ve had the farina and a shake with milk and yogurt and it’s 230pm and I’m ok.

This diet leaves you on the edge of hungry. Like you’re starving and then you have a cup of hot broth and you’re okaaaaaaaaaaaaay but not really full. Like if a restaurant gives you 1 mozz stick before dinner comes and you’re ok with it but you know real dinner’s coming. In my case no Real dinner is coming lol.

I’m also hoping when I got to work tomorrow I’m too distracted to think of food. Work does usually do that.

Will’s home sleeping on the couch. He hasn’t told his family yet about my surgery date. As far as I know, his sister and dad know we’re pursuing this but neither know the doc approved us both and sent the info to our insurance.

I dunno when he’s going to tell them. I don’t really care, I just know we’re going to HAVE to tell them by Christmas eve cause at that point I won’t be eating normally and Will’s mom will have a fit if I don’t inhale the entire plate she serves.

I just really really want him to get his date already so it can seem as real for him as it is for me.
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In other news I was watching a tarot reader and she was talking about how all our hearts are connected and our feelings ripple out and touch others, and effect others.

That’s why you can get a vibe when someone is in pain or maybe holding a secret. There is a kind of collective emotion that can effected people one to one on an individual level and on a group level. Gathering in crowds or groups of people that are not feeling the way you are could turn your emotions - or could compel you to leave because you don’t like the way the feel.

She was talking about how many couples who have differing political views most likely have closed their hearts a bit to each other - and I’m sure there’s other reasons why this would happen but in this environment this is what she was bringing up.

She said people like to be near people who are like them and couples grow more alike all the time - and when you her the news that your partner isn’t like you, it’s a jarring message that will make you close your heart and pull away.

And you have to work to come back together - or you can drift further apart. It’s basically why people break up or overcome and grow closer.

I really resonated with this because years ago when I first found out Will was a Trump supporter and he found out he couldn’t convince me to be one - we didn’t just drift apart, we clashed hard and we running from each other and seriously considering divorce.

The therapist we found did tell us that we’re more alike than we think and even our political stances are close we just believer different presidents will get us to our goal. She always promoted us to remember all the reasons why we love each other and I’ve been on this path for many years.

Baffled at Will’s choices and how I ended up with someone who thinks so differently than me, yet still remembering what a good man he is and how much we love each other. It’s hard. It’s very hard and I still go back and forth on this subject.

But the point is, I know I’ve closed my heart to him. Not completely. Maybe just at varying degrees at different points. Whenever Trump gets brought up or voter fraud or anything like that I definitely do feel my heart harden, but then the moment passes and it softens up until the next Trump moment - and those moments are becoming fewer and fewer, which is great.

I just never thought of it as me “closing my heart” to him. That makes me sad. And it makes me sad to think that he can feel that. He can feel my heart turning away at the times that it does or did. I don’t want it to be that way.

And my fear is that we’re always going to be on different sides of the political fence and at every election this will keep going on. Every four years we’ll keep repeating and my heart will continuously open and close, harden and soften. It would be so much easier if he was on my side and I still, to this day, can’t fathom that we aren’t. It sucks.

I’ve never been into politics and never thought to discuss these issues with him while we were dating and now here we are. And I don’t really know where we would be if we did know each others political choices before marriage. Because until Trump I never really paid attention to politics and never really “hated” a choice before.

Every other election was kinda above my head and I didn’t really know what each candidate fully stood for. I was just a democrat and NJ was a democratic state and so the majority voted for the democrat and whatever happened, happened - and either way my life wasn’t really altered by who won.

And I don’t think Will was ever really into politics either - I don’t think he’s even voted in every election. He also knew NJ was democratic and just let the state lead.

But when his health insurance cost spiked in Obama’s term he went fucking ballistic and then Trump came along and he really got emotional and passionate about him winning and GOD I just HATE that some STRANGER has effected my marriage and my HEART so much for SO LONG.

But oh well, nothing can be done about it now. And it’s not like me and Will didn’t have other problems Before Trump - I just wish things were different.

Last updated December 20, 2020