it all makes sense in 2020

Dec. 11
11:49pm

I need to write more. I have said that pretty much on every entry this year. I just can’t seem to build the habit. The only habit I’ve built is drinking every night so that I can get a decent sleep. 2020 is one for the books for sure.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not drinking all day every day. I just have a few drinks at night before bed. Enough to get my head to change and then I get to fall asleep for a few hours without waking up every 30 minutes.

I KNOW it’s a terrible habit. I know that this is not the right move to be making right now. But I’ve tried several times to sleep sober and it’s just not happening. I wake up so miserable and unrested. Add to that the fact that my anemia has gotten worse and most days I have just enough energy to walk around my house and that’s it. Even then, I make sure to multi-task and complete as many things in one trip as possible before I sit back down. I feel like those people on my 600 lb life, only I am not anywhere near that weight. You should hear me breathing after walking across the house though. It’s insane.

But there’s hope. We always have to hold on to hope, right?

I’ve been doing a bunch of doctors appointments lately. Trying to get sh*t back on track. I wish I’d document this more. Anyway though, I finally got an appointment to see an orthopedic surgeon. Very nice young-ish man that answered all my questions. Turns out that the new x-rays they took show basically bone-on-bone in my hip joint. To me the x-ray looked worse than the one last year when the rheumatologist put me on a 10lb lift restriction and said I would need a hip replacement eventually but to wait as long as possible. Which was interesting but not nearly enough information. So this guy luckily spent the entire time explaining the procedure and possible complications.

He said I would definitely have a hip replacement in my lifetime and basically that at this point it is up to me to decide when my quality of life is suffering and I’m in too much pain.
To be honest, I think I’m at that point now. I think I’ve been at that point for a while but no body really listened to my concerns. I am constantly trying to advocate for myself but it’s hard when doctors think they know your body better than you do.

This surgery sounds pretty straight forward. He said it would last something like an hour and a half, which blows my mind. But also I would leave home the very same day and be walking with a walker. That’s crazy! I thought it would be more complicated than that. I know he was probably hyping himself up a little bit but the stories he told me of other patients sounded so encouraging. Crying tears of joy for how much better they feel.

I would have a minimum of 6 weeks of recovery time and looking at one year before I see full benefits. Which that’s fine. I’ll take it. Especially if most people feel better after 3 weeks.

So now the plan is to see how things go with my appointment at that top hospital in January. Explain I need a hip replacement and how we can work that into my treatment plan. Then if all works out, I think I’ll plan the surgery for after the season. It will slow down and give me plenty of time to recover. Probably late May if I can work it out.

I’ve got to be honest, I am actually pretty excited about this. Just the idea of being able to walk normal again is insane. The idea of being able to sleep at night without rotating 500x to get rid of that deep leg pain. The far off dream of being able to walk down the aisle towards EC on our wedding day without a limp and pain. That’s what I’m excited about.

I know I should wait as long as possible. I will need another surgery eventually. 30 years is what they’re guessing with current technologies. But like the doc said, and I agree, I can wait to try to push it out for more years but who is going to guarantee me those years? I can randomly die in an accident in 15 years and then what was the wait for? To live miserably??

That appointment was a real eye-opener. I didn’t realize it was that bad! It all makes so much more sense now. That pain that I thought was in my leg, due to inflammation, is probably my bones rubbing together. The fact that I kept saying that I felt like my legs were uneven, thinking I needed to go to a chiropractor, was actually a legit shortening of my leg from where the cartilage broke down and my bone shifted!

This whole time I thought something was wrong with my head. Like I must not be doing something right. Not taking the right drugs, not going to enough doctors, not following everyone else’s advice and that was causing this. It’s real though. There’s a real reason this feels this way.

I think this might be the very first time that I’ve gone to a doctor and gotten some kind of concrete answer with a plan to fix it. It’s bringing tears to my eyes just thinking about it because I’ve been dealing with this mysterious illness for 13 years and I’ve never once had a real answer. I mean this doesn’t explain all the other stuff going on with me but this hip thing has been the only actual physical pain I’ve had and it’s so nice that I might be able to fix it.

God, I hope this works.

rose.
12:18am