direction in --

A couple of weeks ago I gave up on a dream.

My therapist led me to a realization today (as she usually does): not doing your dream is not about a lack of capability or focus. Some things are just about re-allocating your energy and getting pieces of yourself back.

I was babbling on about working and how this year I seem to have shifted my focus from working as much as I can, to freeing up as much of my time as I can. I didn’t used to value free time the way I do now, and I wanted to fill every ounce of time that I could with work or something else that I deemed productive. My medical school dream was the perfect escape. I threw myself into work, school, volunteering, research projects, and studying. I made sure I had time for nothing else other than the children.

I pondered if this was because I was so unhappy in my marriage and now that I’m single, the fog has lifted. Being a doctor is my dream job; I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life, and I know I’d be an amazing doctor and I’d love it. But I’m finding that my dream job just isn’t worth the grind anymore. I’m constantly worn to the bone. I make sure to stop working at 4:00 PM everyday unless absolutely necessary. I do nothing on the weekends. I am sick of starting over and having to prove myself. I’m exhausted. I am almost 31. Another year gone where I didn’t get to live my life beyond working towards a goal that feels like it’s squeezing every drop of life out of me.

This year I have gone to parks I normally wouldn’t go to. I went running. I did art. I played video games. I finished books. I spent time with my children. I was obsessed with my microbiology class and got an A. Sometimes I love every minute of things. I love medicine and I am passionate about change and research. But I can find ways of making what little impact I can have on the world, in some other way.

I know one thing for sure: I don’t want to work my life away, only to find myself alone, undervalued, and without an identity outside of the people I work to serve.

I’m another cog in the machine. I bring value to my team at work, but I am still not thought of that way. I wish I knew why in so many aspects of my life I never really felt valued. I built our division of the department to where it is now. My coworker gets the credit. She gets praised. I get talked-over and talked-down to by her in meetings when I have ideas. I have only been in my role for one year, but I am knowledgeable about a lot of different things and people often come to me when they have questions or need clarity. I know what I’m doing most of the time. But they still don’t think that I do. I listen to them in meetings using organizational theory buzzwords. I’ve had conversations with them about everything I do, and ways we could structure role division for more efficiency. Alas, it’s futile.
I work with wonderful people who value me; unfortunately, I don’t directly work with them and I never will.

My therapist mentioned that I’m very soft-spoken and I’m nice, but not friendly. It’s true, I’m a quiet person who is usually very straightfoward in a work context. It’s unfortunate that I’m generally perceived as passive. I’m really not a passive person. I am a passionate person. I’m not a half-way kind of gal. I give everything 100%, no matter what it is. Sometimes people don’t see that. It’s unfortunate, but I don’t know how to be any other way than who I am. I don’t really want to try to be either. I’m tired.

I’ve accepted that despite valuing myself, sometimes other people won’t.
It’s gonna be fine.

I don’t know what I’ll do with my life now.

Last updated December 10, 2020