Day 19 in Daily Struggles

So I know it’s been awhile, but I like to write in private and privacy isn’t something I’ve had much of lately. Today is the first day I’ve had off in 9 days. Which I guess isn’t terrible, beside the fact I usually only work 5 days with 2 days off. The thing is, now that I actually have the time off, I’m anxious to just get back to work. I can’t say this out loud, but most days I hate being home.
And not because I don’t want to be here, because I do. We have a cute little one bedroom apt. It’s very simple. Nice things. And most days Babes is the only person I want to be around. But sometimes, I just don’t want to be here, I want to be somewhere else without him. No where in particular and not with anyone else specifically. Just not here. I know covid has a lot of influence in all of our lives now, but we literally don’t do anything. We go to work and come home. Unless we need food, gas or weed. I smoke a lot of weed. But that’s mostly because I’m bored. Everything is fucking boring. I can’t get him to do anything with me unless it’s his idea. And than that doesn’t even go as I expect it to.
Our sex life has always been great. But I don’t always get what I need out of it. It also seems like once he goes he’s no longer interested but just goes along with it out of obligation. I notice the body language change and I’m instantly turned off. Than I just get pissed.
Him and I used to get high together. That’s how we met. I’ve been clean and sober since Jan. However technically I only have 19 days clean because I slipped up one afternoon. Its kind of the equivalent of quitting smoking cigarettes and ever once in awhile smoking maybe a half of one. That’s about what my “slip ups” consist of. Still however, a slip up is a slip up.
Anywho, we are completely different him and I. My body language and how I feel about him doesn’t change. His body language def changes. Slowly, but still does. He’ll sit and watch porn for hours. And not even for self gratification. He just skims through it. For hours. HOURS. He won’t look at me, he’ll hand me stuff I ask for and won’t even look up at me. Talks all this crap about how sexy I am, and how he gets “scared” with me sometimes and doesn’t know what to do and chickens out a lot of the time. So I’ll go and change into something “more comfortable”. It’s doesn’t even phase him.
Fast forward to sober days.... Sex life has been great. Our relationship has been great to be honest. But he gets in these moods. He’ll have no regard for my sexual gratification. He won’t snuggle with me. He doesn’t say much. When and if he notices that something is bothering me he’ll tell me “I love you babe”.
He gave me a promise ring a few days ago and ever since than he’s been distant. Out of the the last 7 times we’ve had sex I got off once. And he doesn’t even try to help me. Right now his ass is rolled over sleeping again. Like wtf. One day he can’t keep his hands off of me and than the next it’s like I have the frkn plague. I hate this. And sometimes it’s so uncomfortable that I just don’t even want to be here. I just want to cry.
Ya know when we were deep into the drugs, everybody told me the same thing, he’s no good, he has nasty habits, he’s narcissistic, he lies, all of these bad things.
He would say things to me in ways that it would sound as if he was implying something else. He would make it a point to clarify he wasn’t doing solely for the purpose of whatever it was he was implying. Which would make me think he was deliberately doing it.
I’ve caught him in lies no doubt. But he’s lied about where he was or whether or not he’s gotten high. When he slips up, he’ll take off and ignore all my calls. Twice I’ve found multiple girls he was talking to for the 12 hours he was out high and not home. But never any indication that he actually slept with them. As a matter of fact it’s been quite the opposite. Indicators that he didn’t. But the things he’ll say to them. He just talks dirty. But he doesn’t talk that way to me. He says it’s because he sees me differently. He doesn’t see me as a “raunchy sex slave” but a sophisticated woman. But he’ll talk to me like that when he’s high on occasion but never sober. He’ll be all cute and snuggly and lovey, we’ll have sex and than. His attitude will come back. I can’t even get him to tell me I look beautiful. But he spoils me. He’s always cleaning, he’d spend his last dime on me. I know he would.
But our relationship is so confusing to me. I don’t get it. Why so many mixed signals. He says he wants to marry me. He talks about is getting married and having our own house and all this stuff we’ll do together. But doesn’t take steps to get there. Is he a narcissist? I feel like I’m losing my mind.