I'll be ok in Weight Loss Surgery

I knew after a night’s sleep it wouldn’t sting so much.

And of course early in the morning I’m listening to my regular tarot readers and doing my own cards to get me out of this slump and the point is:

I am who I am right now. But my physical self isn’t all of me, nor does my physical self make me less than. I have to accept that about myself and stop judging myself so hard. God, the Universe, Source, whatever you call it thinks I’m perfect now and I need to stop hyper focusing on my physical self.

(I find that hard to believe, I keep thinking I was given a perfect body when I was born and I fucked it up).

My body does have a lot of visible fat on it. Everyone can see. But Emma and others still love me cause I’m helpful and kind and smart and all the rest. There is no one exactly like me. And my body can and will change, and everyone will still love me for me. But I have to stop living for that surgery day. Living in fear that I won’t get it.

I have to be ok to be me now.

When Emma made that “giant” comment to me it was in front of my mom and my sis and I think they were shocked, not knowing what to say so they didn’t say anything. So when she said “you don’t like hide and seek cause you’re giant” I just said “yes I am giant”. Not in a woe is me tone or anything, just matter of fact I guess.

I don’t want Emma to end up like me but IF she does I don’t want her to hate herself as much as I do. I act like I’m ok about everything. When she talks about my belly or my non existent neck I just act like I’m ok.

And it’s not like she makes these comments in front of my family every week, but she’s nearly 6 and she’s noticed for a long time that I’m not like them and there was a phase where she would ask me why, why, why I’m different and I would just say, cause I like cookies a lot.

I DO want her to make the connection that sugar is what makes you this way but I don’t ever want to show her how sad I am about my body because IF she ends up if this way I want her to be happier and more accepting than I currently am.

I can’t get there. I follow all this plus size models who post how in love with their bodies they are and I can’t believe them, and I can’t agree with them. There are plenty much bigger than me and I’m like WHY haven’t you gotten the surgery already!!! I can’t fathom anyone loving their body when they look like me.

I struggle so hard everyday with the giant ugly and immobilizing suit I’m living in. As as much as I am fully aware of it I am also trying to ignore it and hoping that others ignore it or see past it. But kids don’t let anything slide and every time she reminds me of my worst flaw I never want to visit her again.

But she’s not doing it to hurt me, she would never hurt me, I’m one of her favorite people and she would never want to hurt me. And she’s comfortable mentioning these things over and over cause she doesn’t know it hurts me.

Either way I’m over it enough for now. Although no I’m not fully over. I’m still very sad and angry at myself for becoming this way. And the fact that the only that makes me feel better for being fat is the things that make me MORE fat. I wish I was just recovering from surgery right now. Only then will I have the hope that this will all be ok. Only then can I believe I won’t be this different looking creature forever.

I know the cards said for me to accept myself as I am now but I can’t. I hate me. I don’t care about my personality. I want to stop sticking out from everyone else.

Last updated December 20, 2020