Therapy in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020
- Nov. 20, 2020, 8:18 p.m.
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- Public
It’s fun to confuse my therapist. She was shocked by how confident and certain I sounded when I said, “I know I’m a catch. I know I’m capable. With motivation, point me at a task, I will accomplish it. That’s not a problem.”
But you still struggle a lot with rejection and feeling less than?
“Yup!”
We… need to investigate this.
“WELL… how about we look at the dozen hundred times when I got rejected? Or the eight or nine times someone approached me but they turned out to be truly awful for me in an abusive kind of way or in a “I’ve been committed three times, but I think I’m ready” kind of way. Or how about we just take a look at the marriage I put up with for the last ten years, there?”
Yes but you’re so confident about being a catch and being capable?
“Yes, and Jeffery Dahmer called himself a good cook. The point of mental health being observed by outsiders in a way that either confirms or denies the individual’s established personal reality is to determine whether their Capital T Truths are realistic or not.”
Oh, I like that Capital T Truths. The fundamental truths they embrace.
“Exactly. My Capital T Truth is: I am a catch. However, my reality for the past 20 years has established that my reality is not a shared reality. And if my reality is only reality to me we would tend to call that a delusion.”
Then she started talking about how our faith would suggest that when the world disagrees with what we know as truth, we should embrace our truths and realize that sometimes the world simply doesn’t understand goodness.
“That’s all well and good; but I’d like to stop facing constant rejection sometime preferably before I die.”
And this I think is something she isn’t getting.
I don’t want to be accepted by others in order to feel “whole.” I want to be accepted by others in order to feel “sane.” That’s why the loneliness is so toxically bad for me. That’s why rejection sends me on a whirlwind. That’s the healing that needs to get done, somehow. Because the logic in it is broken.
IF someone is a catch THEN they won’t be constantly rejected. THAT makes sense.
IF someone is NOT a catch THEN they will be constantly rejected. THAT isn’t true.
Because what we see over and over in this world is that substandard people are embraced, celebrated, beloved. Essen’s husband? He’s been married twice and has four kids and already has things set up pretty well for him down in Texas. Donald Trump? So devoid of personal character (even before the Presidency) as to be a walking punch line! He’s been married three times and has 5 children and a cult 70 million strong.
So… we know that absolutely awful people are accepted, embraced, celebrated.
I declare myself a catch and can prove it mathematically; and rejection is my bread and butter. So yeah. I’m sorry if that is something that affects something fundamental inside of me. Call it my sense of justice, call it my misery of “Nice Guys Finish Last” syndrome, call it whatever you want. But yes. I can confidently stand up and say “I am a catch. Any woman would be lucky to have me as her partner” and I can mean every word of that. While also taking rejection hard and struggling with being alone. Those concepts are not mutually exclusive.
The Root of Less Than
Deleted user ⋅ November 20, 2020
I am newly married, itll be a year in January and constantly think my husband is going to either cheat on me or leave me. I wish i could look at myself and feel that im attractive or a "catch" but i look at myself in just disgust. I hate who i am, and what i look like. I dont feel good enough, ever! and my negative thoughts and mindset are pretty much ruining my life lol...
Deleted user ⋅ November 20, 2020
I patently disagree with the comment above. I think that someone's belief in themselves can absolutely not be reflected in their experience. I have several friends who are absolutely good people, "a catch" as you say (kindhearted, conventionally attractive, gainfully employed, personally and or professionally successful), but their love life is a minefield of upset and rejection. I don't understand that, and yet, I wouldn't want to date them either since they're not "my type" (and I'm pansexual and polyamourous so my type is extensive).
Though I also feel that I'm in a similar situation, professionally. I have skills, I have drive, I know my worth. But I can't seem to engineer a career that supports this. I have also considered if my Truth is a delusion, and I too have come to the conclusion that it is not.
I do find it disheartening that someone in the mental health field would have to be introduced to the concept you illustrated for her.
I know how hard and painful my struggle with my career has been, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this personally.
confusedchick ⋅ November 20, 2020
This is my exact reality and thought process. You explained it so well to your therapist!
caramelchicken ⋅ November 21, 2020
Whether someone's a 'catch' or not is so subjective. No doubt you ARE a catch, but to who? What kind of woman, and where would you find one who appreciates your qualities, who you would also want to be with? You're in a difficult situation geographically and sociopolitically in terms of being able to find such a person, which you're well aware of. It doesn't help that you're exposed to so many examples of situations where women stay with toxic and abusive men. And no matter how self confident a person is about their good qualities, constant rejection does wear you down. Especially when it's something you are more sensitive to given your past, both recent and not so recent.
I have no answers, just trying to validate that acceptance by other people IS important and no wonder you are finding life difficult.
Park Row Fallout caramelchicken ⋅ November 21, 2020
THANK YOU! That in itself is damned bloody important as I keep hearing "love yourself first" and it's like... uhm... do I have to quote Uncle Iroh? "While it is always best to believe in oneself, a little help from others can be a Great blessing." :p