Scared of nothing in The Rant Dump

You read that right. I'm scared of nothing.

I'm scared. Of nothing. I'm scared right now. For no reason.

Much mislead. Wow. -insert meme pic here-

The term should be anxious, because fear needs a stimulus. At the moment, I'm so stressed out and I don't even have problems. Perceived, yes, but currently? None. Maybe except for that occasional pain I feel in my chest. And to think I'm only 20. -sighs-

Thing is, I have a talent for overthinking things. I'm very good at coming up with problems for myself. And my favorite solution is to plug in my PS2 and procrastinate all the way. The bad feeling won't still go away because the problem would still be there. And then I ask myself-- which problem? Oh, that one I conceived in my head but doesn't totally exist. But it will.

It's been five months since the licensure exam. It's been more than one year since I've graduated from college. I am unemployed to this day. I couldn't bring myself to apply in our field because I dislike my profession. When I was in college I hated going on duty every other week. To think that I have to do this for a living for the rest of my life-- it crushes me. I thought, if I gave it some time, maybe I'd learn to like it. But that liking never came.

I thought about killing myself many times. Just thoughts. Then my conscience would argue that just because I have a degree on this, doesn't mean it has to be the job I'll do. I can do other things. But what 'other things'? Those other things I want...involve a different kind of degree. I should just work hard, right? I'm not motivated enough. Sure, it's something I want, but really, it's just something I prefer over to what I have now. It's not really a 'dream' nor ambition of mine.

Aside from that, I think I suffer some form of depression. Dysthymia, maybe? As I've read from somewhere, "Depression does not come from problems. Instead, depression happens, then it looks for problems." I'm not sure which one came first for me. But I know I'm lonely. I'm depressed because I'm lonely, and I'm lonely because I'm depressed. Again, I'm not sure which one came first.

I know the things to do to get friends. But I don't have the mental strength to execute them. I know that when you try to get acquainted, you should make a good impression and have that feel-good thing happening. I get tired making facades. I display whatever it is I feel, and the one I have for default is grumpy and brooding. Besides, I don't like the idea of pretending. But, I suppose, if I come across someone like myself, I'd avoid them like the plague, too. I have enough things to worry about. So I kind of understand why.

But I think... if I had even just one good friend, I'd be set to take on the world. Just one that I can comfortably be myself with. And they the same with me. The burden would feel so much lighter. Then again, friendships start from casual to this. So maybe I should do something about it.

All this time I've been unemployed, I've been trying to 'heal' myself. I thought, if I were to do things my own pace, maybe I'd start realizing things. It's like a meditation of sorts. Just last week I had this enlightenment. I woke up and the day just felt good. I was excited because I'd finally get to write on my Prosebox Book for positive things. I wasn't scared of anything anymore. I felt ready. I thought I'd change bit by bit if I kept that up. That melted away the day after when stuff came up. I tried hard to remember what I've done different. I can't remember at all.

Ah, I know that when I read this someday, this would feel like whining. Because it is. But I need to whine about these because they're bothering me so much. Pfft, and I thought I'm finally over with the 'phase' teenagers go through. Maybe I am one of those 'late bloomers'? It's scary because I see everyone doing this and that already, while I-- I still haven't figured things out.

For now, I'll just...figure things out. But my mother keeps on nagging me about applying for that dreaded job over and over. It's like a cycle. When I'm about to feel like maybe I should, she jumps on me and the way she says things... It's putting a lot of pressure on me. I don't think she realizes that I'm having some sort of internal crisis. I can't blame her, but it's taking a toll on me. It's...kind of suffocating. That's why I stay in my room most of the time. I can't stand the things that come out of her mouth.

I wish I could. I know that she needs me to be there for her, too. But I have to take care of myself before I can take care of the others.

If I asked people for advice, I know what they would say. 'Just suck it up and do it because you wouldn't even know how it's like until you try.' That is very true.

Bah, I don't know what I need. A good push? A friend? Would even taking up Medicine do it? I need to see trees. And fresh air. I've been holed up in my room for so long, I forget that there are good things in this world, too. Good things that are worth exerting effort for.

-scrolls upwards, then back- ...wow, this is kind of long. I have a talent for this...whatever this is.