Day 4 in Daily Struggles

Well, it’s 10:38 am. I still haven’t gotten out of bed yet. I was lucky enough to have a boss that said to go ahead and use my sick leave. Take the rest of the week. So I did. Still hasn’t been approved yet, so of course I’m worried about that. Even in the midst of knowing exactly what is happening, I can’t find the urgency to be even slightly motivated. I know it’s depression and I know where it’s coming from. I unconsciously manifested stress and anxiety. I didn’t realize what was happening of course until it was already happening. (Those moments between the time you subconsciously decide to relapse and when you actually do relapse is almost surreal, like there’s a time lapse. You see it than it just is. Almost instantly.) I’ve already decided it’s going to happen because I’m already making arrangements for things that will need to be taken care while actively using but I’ll be incapable of doing them and I already know this. I already know the fewl good I’m hoping for is only going to last a couple hours, than I’ll do everything in my power not to be malicious and think about all things that I think are happening but really aren’t. I’m just being paranoid. Legit paranoia from past trauma, but nonetheless still not happening at that moment. And I know that’s exactly what’s happening so all I can do is tell myself to just breathe. Simultaneously not looking forward to the severe almost maddening depression thats coming next. But it’s inevitable. It’s going to happen. I can’t stop it. It’s a chemical change in my brain. There’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. It’s too late.
Having BPD, PTSD, Anxiety and everything else that comes with all of it, the trauma that started this malicious crazy train, and than withdrawal to top it off. Shit, that’ll make anybody crazy and delusional. God only knows how many days it will last this time. Once I finally break through all that, providing I’m lucky enough, this time, to come out on the other side, I’m so tired. And not just tired, but exhausted to the point to where I can’t even think of anything. The only thought I can slightly conjur up is sleep. Please. Just sleep. All I want to do is close my eyes. Whether or not I would wake up was never a concern, just that I could sleep. But when my eyes close they are constantly moving like marbles in a cup that’s being violently shaken. So I open them again. Still barely able to think about anything, than I feel it. I feel it coming, a tear slowly falls down my cheek and there’s nothing to stop it. I’m not crying, at least not aloud. Eventually I start feeling hungry and it seems like it takes hours to finally get up and make something, I take two bites and can barely choke down the second. I lay back down. Eventually after fighting with myself, crying uncontrollably to where I finally just crash. I have finally succumbed to the sleep gods.
It doesn’t last long though. I get up and eat two more bites. This turns into a pattern for the next two days. It’s complete misery.
Today. Today I’m still in bed. Still having a hard time getting past the fact the during my active addiction (consistent, not 12 hr relapses every 6 months or so) no one ever told me everything was my fault, no finger pointing, no blaming, just “support”(I use that term very loosely) But now that I’ve been actively getting my “shit together” (From may til this past Sunday. In may it was another brief few hours and about 5 months sober before that) I am reminded consistently of how bad of a mom I am, how much I ruined everything, everything that is wrong is my fault etc etc. And as quickly as I’ve typed this, it has made me exhausted. My soul is tired. I have managed to live a life full of love, but also so full of violence and lies and corruption, just straight evil. I know of my morals, how I want my children to be raised, please and thank you’s, always be kind, always give more than you take, never a leave a situation worse than when you arrived, love unconditionally, but have boundaries. Not a love with boundaries, there’s a difference. Feel in love. Not just loved. There’s a difference in that too.
There are so many things I still want to have the privilege of teaching them and I know I have to be well in order to do that. But today. Today I just want to sleep. Today I’m just so tired. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow 🙂 But I promise you; My story isn’t over.