Day 3 in Daily Struggles

Well. I tried going back to work today without success. Woke up to a long, negative, judgemental message from the ex’s new wife. She seems to think what’s best for my kids and doesn’t think twice to throw around shit she doesn’t know anything about. Try telling him that and of course he defends her, I mean she is his wife and that is what you do, but come on, I’m the mother of your children! Not some stupid chic you met online (like your wife now) and accidentally had a child together. We talked about it and planned it, I had to have 2 surgeries to even possibly have another child and we got lucky and had two. You don’t do that with people you don’t trust and don’t think would make good parents.
I admit that I definitely don’t deserve to even be considered for mom of the year. But I wasn’t a bad mom. She says I’m selfish for wanting my children to live back in my home with me. When I left my children in the care of their father because I was not financially stable to do so, was selfish? When my relationship became abusive I kept my children away from it. That’s selfish? When the environment became too dangerous even for me and I had no other choice but to move back to my parents house until I get on my feet, that was selfish? Wanting my children to be back with their mother, that’s selfish? Leaving my children with their douchebag of a father was the least selfish thing I’ve ever done. How dare her.
I have been trying to wrap my head around all of the events that have happened in the last 72 hours and all I see is blur. My head was spun so quickly out of proportion I still can’t see straight.
Death, drugs, evil people. Noisy chaos is all I hear in my head most days. I can quiet them but they are always there. Images I’ll never be able to unsee. Words I’ll never be able to unhear. Weed and lyrics are the only things that seem to calm me these days. Driving around in my car with no real destination. Making excuses to go to the store just so I have somewhere to drive to. On the outside I’m probably one of the most outgoing, happy, positive people you’ll ever meet. The gates through my eyes to my soul have been closed for so long that the light is blinding when I open my eyes. I just want to close them. If I don’t push out as much positivity as I can towards other people, I would probably break. Being positive and happy for others is the only thing that keeps me going most days. Looking in the mirror everyday is torture. I see myself aging day by day. The circles getting darker, my skin not as vibrant as it used to be, my smile fading more and more everyday. The beats in my heart getting slower and slower. My walk has slowed. Not so bouncy anymore. What’s even sadder is that I’m completely aware of what’s happening, and I have all the control to slow it down, even stop this madness. But I’m so tired right now. My mind and heart feel so exhausted. I just need a break. I need time to rest.
But there is no time. There is no time to rest. This bill is due, that bill is due, the mail is here, dinner needs to be cooked, babe will be home soon and I know he’ll be hungry, trash needs to be taken out, gotta make this phone call and that phone call, someone’s rapping on the front door and the oven is beeping, the neighbors dog is barking in the distance. The kids are running around screaming they’re hungry too and he did this and she did that, (oh how I miss those noises!)
But it’s none of those things. It’s just me now. I can hear the fan whirring and see the flashing light on the wifi box, I can hear the neighbors closing car doors and cars driving by. And I can hear the noises again. The ones in my head. The ones that keep me locked in my own prison. Where I don’t hear the children anymore. I surely don’t need her help getting to hell. I’m living in my own personal hell already.