November 13th in For Johnny

You’ve been gone almost two months now. I found out that your family didn’t spread your ashes the weekend after your birthday. No one had time to get together it seems. Makes me so sad, my heart breaks for you. Bob has been hitting me up for pills but I don’t have anything. Even if I did he would never get them from me.
N was here yesterday. Effingham told him she was pregnant. Our N is going to be a dad.. the next day she changed her story. She has been cheating on him so the baby probably isn’t his. She packed all her things and moved back north. I’m encouraging him to fight if he feels there is any chance at all that the baby is his. He said he really needs his uncle John right now. He said it’s not fair you talked Jer through his issues and now that he needs you your gone.
Baby I miss you so much. I’m so lost and alone, I’ve called the suicide prevention line at least once a week since you’ve been gone. I don’t have any plans to do anything but with my history I need to be safe.
I don’t want to text this next part but your watching me so you already know. You remember RJ? I was dating him before you dropped into my life. He’s been coming around the past two weeks. When he leaves I feel like I’ve cheated on you but when he’s hear I feel myself smiling and laughing again. He’s said he is in for the long haul and will just be my friend as long as I need him to. You’d really like him. I wish you could meet him but if you were still here there would be no need as you were all I ever wanted. RJ has slept over the last three nights on the couch. Well except for tonight. We were laying across the bed watch classical guitar videos on YouTube and both fell asleep. He woke me up because I was calling out for you. Then held me as I cried because I felt guilty over both of you.
Please understand my love. I love you so much but just need someone to hold me and make things better....
All my love,
Missy