Long Term Manifestation in Weight Loss Surgery

I have got to remind myself that manifestation is not a wish being immediately granted.

Manifestation is a not a magic word.

People manifest for years. An overnight success is rarely an overnight success.

I want a lot of things, that I feel like I’ve wanted for a long time. And I feel defeated when I ask for these things and they don’t show up the next day.

What I desire is out there for me or I wouldn’t desire it. And how I think it will show up may not be the way it shows up.

Because the actual item you’re wanting isn’t the point. It’s how it makes you feel that is what you really want. Maybe you want love or freedom or security or you want people to be impressed by you, congratulate you, be proud of you. There are so many feelings that people want from others, and to feel about themselves that they feel certain items will get them.

And that’s where I am too.

There are feelings that I don’t feel for myself that I feel I will get when I obtain certain things and the waiting for the item to feel the thing I want to feel and others to feel about me - is torture.

And lots of people say that no one outside of you can give you what you want to feel.

It doesn’t matter how many people call you pretty, or smart, or successful, if you don’t feel that way about yourself.

You need to feel worthy enough to call yourself pretty, smart, successful, etc. before you get that “item” that defines you for you and for others.

Maybe it’s a certain salary, a certain degree, a certain household, a certain experience that you’re (I’m) pinning your worthiness to.

And it’s a hard hump to give it to yourself, silently and internally. Which then attracts the outward symbols of that feeling to you.

I don’t think enough parents tell their kids how proud of them they are, without them actually achieving anything. I’m not calling anyone a bad parent. It’s just a bad habit I guess.

You get compliments when you look good. You get special treats when you achieve goals. It’s normal. And it’s realistic. When you do well you usually get rewarded. And if you don’t then you don’t.

I don’t go around telling Emma she’s a superstar 24/7. But I certainly remember to say it when she learns something new at school or when she cleans up without complaint. etc.

She knows if she wants me to say those things she does certain things. But I don’t know if she cares so much cause she’s all too happy to throw a GD fit about the smallest request LOL.

I don’t know how to figure out feeling good about myself when I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished things to feel good about.

I’m average, I’m ordinary, and actually somewhat below because I’m fat and I rent LOL.

I try to feel successful about my life. And sometimes there are blips when I feel that way. But on the whole, I don’t. But I feel like that’s hindering me and I don’t know how to stop it.

It’s like eating a food you hate and trying to convince yourself it’s your favorite food. It’s fake. I like cookies, I hate celery. Eating celery and telling myself it tastes just like a delicious cookie is how I feel. And there might be some days, if you do it consistently. where you believe it - or maybe you get used to the taste of celery and you stop hating it. I dunno. But I can’t get there. I can’t eat celery and love it like a cookie. Even if you cut the celery in a circle and try to make it as close as possible to a cookie. You can even chop it up and put it IN a cookie. I still won’t like it.

Basically I want to be proud of me. And I appreciate if you are but I’m not and I need to feel it.

And I’d be prouder of me if I was healthier and if I owned a home.

I dunno, I just gotta keep working on it.

And I’m TRYING to work towards it. I’m working towards the surgery. I have been saving $ (before the surgery) for a home deposit. I’m not just sitting around talking about things, I AM working towards it. But it’s taking a long time. My whole GD life at this point.

And I know it’s a possible. I can get these things one day. But how long will I have to keep hope alive, you know?

If someone told me now that my life will be PERFECT in 10 years. If I could just wait 10 more years everything will be PERFECT just as I want to live. I’d probably still cry cause I’m impatient.

Last updated December 20, 2020