Well it don't break even in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

(1) My self-destructive tendencies are getting the better of me

(2) My body is in pain, my heart is depressed, and while I can push myself to move my body… I can’t summon the strength to do any work. And I have a lot of work to do!! Juvenile Court and Hearings and Trials and filing orders to protect kids from abusive parents. I NEED TO GET SHIT DONE.

(3) I still can’t believe… but in truth I can… what other things Nancy said she was going to take. Like… she leaves her furniture shit around for MONTHS because she doesn’t have room… we split up because “just taking two classes” required that she do NOTHING for up to 19 hours every day… but now she has a New Man with Kids and has all this time to go bike riding and kayaking and watch all of my movies and introduce the kids to more TV Shows so she took the Dr. Who and the Archer. Dr. Who?! BITCH?! I watched Dr. Who with my mom growing up. I introduced you to this. Just like BTILC and DRS and Marx Brothers and half a dozen other things that you’ve taken. STOP TAKING THE SHIT I INTRODUCED YOU TO AS IF IT WAS PART OF YOUR PERSONALITY BEFORE ME! Of course on the other side… maybe she’s taking them as part of the “I like these elements of who I am that Chris helped me find” but even still- leave me with my shit! On the other hand… I don’t watch DVDs much anymore so I really have no room to bitch. It’s just… more of the symbolism to it, again. The very notion that I was a big part of her life… and she didn’t give a shit to make time for me or care about any of my needs or even taking care of the house or the dog… but New Man, New Energy. I know. Technically, it’s New Man, New Con… she’ll realize in about 5 years that he isn’t the solution to all of her problems either, and she’ll do the same thing to him. Or not. Maybe she actually is happy. I can’t wait til she gets everything out of my house and I don’t have to talk to her again. The fact that her voice and the way she looks at me hasn’t changed at all… that bothers me in my soul(!) It establishes clearly and without question… I was never in her heart. That’s.... fairly upsetting.

(4) I appreciate that this is cruel, and I apologize for my wording before using it… but there is some truth to it and I can’t form a better sentence: One of the really irritating things about hanging out with someone who sleeps around so much is the increased COVID risk. Victoria was over on Wednesday and… no sex, no cuddles, no kissing, just hanging out… but because she’d been with “some of her partners the week before” and one of them just tested positive for COVID… well… something to be concerned about. Especially as this is the second time. So she’s getting yet another COVID test. And this is one of those things where… I know she feels bad enough to say it, but not bad enough to change her behavior.... because when she’s down, she lists the ways she’s failing and one of them is “Increasing her kids’ potential to COVID exposure.” And again… I know this isn’t how poly works… and dickheaded thing for me to say but… maybe this is a time where you stop going to one of the most populace counties for “dates”? Like… you’ve got Remus, you’ve got Me, you’ve got another guy in the area… maybe cutting back for the sake of your health and your children might be appropriate during COVID? Of course, I’d never suggest that. I don’t have enough friends to seem like I’m openly criticizing life choices they’ve made and lived before ever even knowing me. I’ll just sit in silence.

(5) Similar concept, I think, goes to the whole Remus and Essen thing. If Remus were single and Essen were single and I were single… and we were all just friends that hung out and then Essen told me that she had a crush on Remus… I’d be hurt. I’d be upset because we’re similar enough and Essen and I have considerably more in common. And, to be 100% honest, if Essen were single… I’d be interested and actively pursuing. So… all parties single… I’d be hurt and upset and it would make sense. The facts as they are create more complications. Remus is married, living with his wife, and involved in a romantic relationship with another person. Essen is married, trying desperately to get out of her abusive marriage but “stuck” at present living with her husband. I’m single. Argue that, if you wish, I’m legally separated which is viewed (by the law) as “Divorced in all but Word”. I’m single. Perhaps, after Essen had successfully withdrawn from her marriage thereby decreasing the danger to herself, her children, and any potential suitor… perhaps I would have been interested in pursuing. But as it is? No. No, I don’t want to be involved in some giant octopus relationship of Victoria and I fuck but no love; Victoria and Remus fuck and love, Remus and Essen fuck and love, and Essen and I fuck and love… I just… I’m sorry. I appreciate that some people are fine with that and call me as much of a judgmental prude as you want. I’ve been accused of being “old fashioned and backwards” before because I want something more traditional… judge me as you will. I just… I’m good at being who I am. Who I am is someone that loves a woman individually, uniquely, passionately, and loyally. And I think wanting the same in return isn’t misogyny or trying to control women. But even here, as I mentioned before.... I don’t exactly have a lot of friends. Especially not in the area. And I do genuinely like these people. I do. So, at least for now, they’re staying in my life. I just… I guess this is parting of healing me in total. I knew to watch my heart with Victoria. Because “sexual healing and friendship” is something I can manage. Compartmentalizing that and keeping romantic feelings out is not a problem. But I wasn’t expecting this other side to it. Watching these people (Victoria and Remus) continue to have ZERO issues collecting more Romantic Partners while I flounder. THAT I was not prepared for. (And please don’t ask about me getting their help so as not to flounder… I tried that. They had no help.)

(6) So… therapy today helped me figure out some of the above! We discussed what was so rough about Nancy’s actions and interactions yesterday. And how that reflects/reflected back on our whole relationship. And do you know what the bottom line is? Nancy loves piecemeal. A la carte. Selecting what she wants while rejecting what she doesn’t. She liked living with me, she liked being my friend, she liked talking to me about her life/her day/her issues. She didn’t like loving me, she didn’t like having sex with me, she didn’t like talking to me about my life/my day/my issues. So she just… didn’t. She kept what she wanted and rejected the rest… which (in reality) was keeping the relationship while rejecting me. Huh… ten years of a marriage and 15 years of a relationship where I was treated “piece meal”....... no wonder I’m having such conflicted feelings in regards to the Polycule thing!!!!! Right? Or do you think that’s too wild of a leap??

(7) What I’m needing to cope with, deal with, and strive towards?