Just trying in 2020

It’s after 2 o’clock in the morning and I have no idea what I’m doing here, but hello.

I’m so over this year. I mean, probably like everyone else, I’m optimistic that the new year will bring better things.

Most of me is a realist though and I don’t know when or if things will get better. I can only hope it will because I really want to move on from this.

I went to the doc on Tuesday. We’ve got a new plan. Going to try to get me in to see a doc at a top university hospital. I’ve tried to get in there before but it didn’t work out. I’m hoping this guy has more connections. We’ll see. I’m also going to go in to a dermatologist because the most recent diagnosis is psoriatic arthritis but no one has ever tried to treat the “psoriasis” part of it. I haven’t been to a dermatologist in a while so I just have to keep that same hope that some one new might have a new perspective. I don’t know though. After 12+ years I try not to get my hopes up too high.

For now I’m taking a quick course of steroids and hoping that will get me moving for a while. Honestly I started them yesterday (or day before I guess) and I feel like I’m walking a little easier although still have a few hiccups with the hip. But I will absolutely take any improvement right now! I’m just afraid that it’s such a quick course that I won’t be able to sustain it. I mean it’s only 5 days. I do go back to the doc in a month but still. I hope this improvement continues for a long time. Not only for me but for all the people around me. I’m so tired of feeling like a burden and holding everyone else back.

I think that’s the biggest part for me. That I feel like what I’m going through is affecting everyone else, and obviously it is, but it’s also really affecting me. I’m hurting. I’m tired. And I’m so damn frustrated that I can’t just live my life the way I want to. I just want to be able to move. I want to be able to take one freaken step down a curb without feeling like I’m going to fall over and break something. Like ONE STEP. It’s so easy to take that for granted.

I’m just venting though. I want to stay hopeful for good things in my future. I’m trying, at least. Not only for me but also because I made a promise that I would make an effort to get better.

And I never break promises.

rose.
2:25am