I spent the afternoon with Kyle. We went out for lunch and then we overstayed our welcome. He’s so inquisitive, anyone who likes to hear themselves talk would like this guy. Not to say that I am someone who loves to hear himself talk. He’s pretty intellectual and so he really pushed me to represent my ideologies and beliefs. I’m mentally exhausted, officially. He talks loud and the restaurant is running at half capacity so everybody could hear what we were talking about. He kept bringing up the dirty looks that I was getting from the staff whenever they walked past me or had to work near me. He was just so confused. Well, I might as well have worn a MAGA hat he was so loud lol. I have my MAGA mask but I don’t need anyone messing with my food so I wear my generic one when I dine out. He’s team Biden and so I don’t think he understands how resented one can be for having the “wrong” think. Anyway, he did offer to help me out. Should things go south, he said. Things are south. (I need to find a place to stay, I am being kicked out of my current living arrangement.) He is obviously going to run this past Evan, his ex that he lives with. I’ll touch base with him next week to see what the score is. That’s right, he still lives with his ex. This COVID situation has made it tricky for them to cut financial ties. They’re on good terms though.
There was a moment when I thought Kyle was going to suggest that we date each other. I have nothing to offer. I just made that joke about how I’m finally premium dating material as an unemployed man who is about to be homeless in his mid-thirties. Was my inner monologue as I panicked to myself. He was just trying to get dating advice. Where are the good ones? First of all I would have torn through that scene already and left them all bad ones. I kid, I’m not full of myself I swear. I’m the wrong guy to ask. An older gentleman, that was on his way out, gave me a confident smile and a nod. He was about ten years older than me, am I too old to be a sugar baby? I could tell that he was gay and that he was interested. He was dapper, well-presented and exuded confidence. So was I but I have nothing to offer. That should affect my self-esteem right? It doesn’t.
Kyle and I talked about the gay scene. He can see things my way. It’s not as inclusive as everybody thinks and that climate got worse. We’re old people now though. His experience was different than mine when he entered the gay scene, he wasn’t a complete outcast like me. Apparently, I wasn’t as unopinionated as I thought. I was always vocal against drugs and I had no problem saying no to hookups and shutting down inappropriate touch and talk which made me a slut-shamer. I come off as judgemental and nobody wants to be my friend. Except for the lesbians. Even then, barely.
So why is it that Kyle and I are not dating? No one might ask. I don’t know. There is no attraction on my end but that changes the more I like someone. I don’t know what my type is exactly but people do go under my radar if they’re not presented well. Make an effort as the majestic Tan France from Queer Eye would say. Kyle needs a self-care routine and I don’t want to be that girl who needs to build a man. He’s a great guy though. The you get what you see, this is who I am attitude and style works for some. It’s all g. It’s not about being vain to me it’s about showing that you know how to take care of a person. Speaking of person, I’m going to have to find a new place to eat.
Kyle brought up his confusion about my situation with Tyler. That saga is an OpenDiary original. I think Kyle was jealous because Tyler is… nothing special and I was embarrassingly obsessed. It was one part saviour complex and the rest would be because I was unaware that I was investing in something that was never going to add up to anything to protect myself from having to make myself vulnerable… or I get hooked on the fantasy. Whatever, Tyler’s in BC now and I hope that his dick falls off from open soars. I mean happy! I mean I hope that he’s happy lol. Alright, I think I’m ready to sleep now. Here’s a godawful song that came to mind while writing this entry about my loveless life.