It’s another fine day in 2020. It could all just be in my head but I am feeling some tension in this house. My sister suggested that we have a family meeting when Matt comes home. That didn’t happen yesterday. However, now I feel extra levels of dread because I know that I don’t belong here. I know that they want space and I wasn’t able to find anywhere to go yesterday so I tried to make my presence as small as possible, as per usual. I’m so bored with Skyrim. I am going to Bev’s tonight for some tea. This weekend I have plans with Kyle. I tried to see where my mother is at in life and she confirmed my suspicion that she is keeping us all away from her because she is afraid of COVID. I filled Leanne in on my situation. She offered me her spare room as a failsafe. So that takes some relief off of me. However, she is literally on the opposite side of the city. Which is really far away from where I’ve been applying for work. She also has a family so I really don’t want to put them out. No matter where I end up I will likely stew in the shame of it all. Ouch, my pride. Everybody will know how badly I am failing at life soon enough. Love that for me. I am not the biggest fan of people feeling sorry for me.
I am experiencing some nihilism, ish. I can’t find a point in doing anything. No exercising or grocery shopping or meal prepping. I’m barely even eating. This lack of structure makes room for a lot of self-sabotage. I’m in-between places and spaces and I have never had so much ambivalence in my life before. My faith has never been so tested. I have shut myself down to cope better it appears. This is not permanent. I have to learn to trust the process and accept that I can’t know and understand everything. That is the hardest habit to break.
In a world of social distancing, making friends is harder than ever. I am trying to make friends in some Facebook groups but it is not going well. I am trying to find like-minded individuals to interact with. I want to relate to people who think like me and my word, where my people at!? The one group that I put too much faith into was Empath Rising. It’s a little new age, it’s a little esoteric but it’s about empaths. The omega form of empath, the Heyoka. The man who created that tribe has a refreshing take on Heyoka. One in which we are victors, not victims. Where we are not just hypersensitive people suffering from our disease to please and in an endless war with our mortal enemy, the pathological narcissist. I thought that this group would have individuals that were more evolved, spiritually speaking. We are no longer capable of that kind of thinking said the Asgard from SG-1 in a funny Meme that I saw last night.
I’ve transcended from a lot of limiting beliefs about self, the world and the people in it. Now so many ideas are so small to me. I don’t want to come off as condescending but It’s like I am interacting with children. They’re just naive and ignorant and arrogant about what they believe to be true. I thought that this group was going to be full of other individuals that were on my level. They’re not. Far from. For starters, empathy is an ability and not an identity. Identity is what we have to transcend. The idea of the empaths, the Heyokas or the lightworkers is to help humanity expand their consciousness. However, this is a group of individuals that appear to have turned it into a support group for intuitive individuals that want to lick each other’s wounds. Wounds they received from bad experiences with narcissists. Experiences they have failed to take responsibility for. They’ve just slapped on a Heyoka label to feel special. The creator of this group is trying to assemble a tribe of warriors.
Empathy is just intuition, we’re not actually experiencing anything other than our own bodies. It’s like being self-conscious but them-conscious. There is no you and other, we know darkness because we have darkness. Narcissism is not separate from us. They’re throwing the word narcissist around at each other like it’s the new racist. What I mean by that is how people accept calling something racist as a legitimate form of argument. That’s some of the small thinking I am talking about. I can’t get anyone to talk about anything elevated. I mean, it is the obligation of someone who starts a spiritual journey to turn around and help others along the way. I’m pretty confident that the creator of the group called me out in one of his recent videos. Not a full callout but he asked that we ask ourselves if what we post will add value to the group. I had posted something that sparked a debate between me and a group of women of colour about white privilege and white fragility. That made everyone uncomfortable because race is a topic that nobody wants to discuss. The debate was civilized. The point of the Heyoka is to force those conversations, to induce enlightenment, to shock people into seeing the truth. Thus, that is why the creator did not tell me to stop in his PSA. Said to post away if we honestly believed that it is meant to serve a purpose. I did believe that it served a purpose. What we have in 2020 is a mass of covert narcissists that are cleaving to the belief that their situations in life are the result of white people being born white supremacists and born into evil. That belief is tearing western culture apart. Those Marxist groups have failed to learn the lesson of personal responsibility. If we are an empath group that is claiming to be lightworkers, or guru’s (Guru translates to dispellers of darkness) then we need to be able to have those tough conversations. We’re supposed to make people great, not comfortable.
To this empath group or tribe as they call themselves, they discuss fulfilling some 144 00 prophecy. I can’t get any clear information about what that is exactly but it seems to be the standard light vs darkness. Which is likely just an allegory for bringing enlightenment. These are not enlightened individuals at all. I want to add value by getting them to evolve from their identities. We are not phenotypes, we have phenotypes. We are not separated by race, creed, gender and beliefs. That is what we need to unlearn. We’ve broken the world up into polarizing concepts in which the two ends can never meet. That is preventing us all from becoming whole and holy. This empath group is not at a higher consciousness at all and they keep having visceral reactions whenever I try and push them to think bigger. I have one such example right here. Her post was “Let’s talk politics! Just jokes. I love this group for keeping it real” and I tried to engage in some dialogue and this is what it turned into. First, what you need to know is that there is another rival empath group called Empaths Refuge which is claimed to be full of covert narcissists who think that they’re special because they’re hypersensitive.
My word, it turned into a victim narrative real quick and then it was implied that I am the covert narcissist. Again, it’s the equivalent to be being called a racist in 2020. A derogatory term if you will. Anyway, I’ll probably be removed from the group if I’m not being ganged up on as we speak. They’re going to see it as mansplaining or something limited like that to cleave to that rewarding victim narrative. I assume. I’m often accused of trying to be grandiose with the way I talk and write. That’s such small tiny thinking. I’m okay with being the bad guy in other people’s made-up hero stories. I don’t externalize my power and I control my own narrative. Differences of opinion are such a dangerous thing to possess in 2020. That is what I mean when I say narcissism of small differences. It creates tribal conflicts. Honestly, I always fail to ask myself if a conversation about anything is worth it. People don’t want to think differently, act differently, believe differently but they want change, desperately. All that change they want in life is on the outside and they’re failing to understand the true nature of their desire which is just expansion. That’s an inside job. It’s not going to come from that new relationship, that new job, that new purchase etc. We’re in the spiritual dark ages, this is the spiritual underworld. Nobody wants to wake up and live a conscious life. I thought that I would find an individual or two that shared that understanding. Instead, I see these individuals and even the creator react to anyone challenging their narrative. Their identity. Then throw a narcissist label on them and write them off as a human being. Such.Small.Thinking. Potentiality, that is the revelation that they are missing. Blah