As can be expected from my entry yesterday… YESTERDAY WAS FRACKING RIDICULOUS. I got home and I was just… I’m sorry, Nala. I was exhausted. But I wasn’t going to just… not interact with my beloved dog. So I lugged my tired ass to the backyard and played with her for about an hour before coming inside to just crash on the couch. Of course, Nala was not pleased by this. Spent the ENTIRE evening pacing and whining because damnit she didn’t get a walk! Bad dog. I ate a lazy dinner of leftovers and macaroni salad and, as it was Midnight Dark outside at 8 p.m.... went to my bedroom with a new Blu Ray I purchased to replace a DVD Nancy took. As it was a film I’d seen many times before, I decided to spend from 8 pm to 10 pm just investigating the Blu Ray Extras. Deleted Scenes, Making of, History of… all of that. Of course, the entire time… Nala persists in her whine shouting. And I’d get up to let her outside and she’d refuse to go outside and just keep whine shouting. Because she didn’t want to be pet. She didn’t want me to throw a ball for her. She didn’t even want her new chew toy. She had been robbed of a walk and was NOT pleased!!
Sometime between 10 and 11, I drifted off to sleep. Only for Nala to wake me up at 12:30 with her insistence. Forced her to go outside. Stayed up for an hour. Brought her back inside.
And I’ll tell you… I don’t know what the deal is but in the quiet moments last night where I wasn’t being distracted? My being tired lowered the emotional drawbridge for the same damned looping thoughts that have been getting to me all week.
Sure, Nancy wasn’t physically affectionate. But my world had more physical beauty with her in my life every day. Now most days I don’t see a woman at ALL in my life other than Secretary and Paralegal… women far older than me and far outside of what I would deem as beauty. And certainly, call me a shallow prick for something like that but… there is a true aesthete in me. If I can be reminded of beauty every day, then the massive ugliness I encounter most days is easier to deal with. So, there is a definitive lack of beauty in my life that drives the loneliness.
Sure, Nancy wasn’t kind to me and, towards the end, could go days without having a conversation with me. But for most of our relationship, even if it was sharing movie quotes or being awkward, there was still conversation. Now most days, outside of work? I could go four or five days and not actually speak to another live person. So, there is a definitive lack of conversation in my life that drives the loneliness.
And obviously, Nancy wasn’t going to change. There was no authentic hope that I would be honestly loved or passionately fucked by the woman who agreed to be my wife. But she stuck around and was present which, for a LONG TIME, gave me hope that her desire to stay meant there was at least some desire to build a loving and intimate relationship. Now most days act as a constant reminder that women as local as my street and as far away as Appleton, Wisconsin find me, somehow, so repulsive or unlikable that I can’t even get a conversation online started. So, there is a definitive lack of hope in my life that drives the loneliness.
And it is those things. Those things and more, that make me look at the thousands of broken relationships that come through my office and inspire my lonely sense of self-righteous anger. I have no beauty, no conversation, no hope. These destructive, toxic, abusive relationships continue with the wrong doer having unlimited access to beauty, conversation, and hope. I don’t want the women going through this. I want the life that contains beauty, conversation, and hope. And I get pretty fucking pissed off that after a lifetime of trying to be The Guy… The Guy that works hard at relationships, that always tries to be patient and forgiving and understanding, that honestly puts the emotional and intellectual care of Partner over my own physical needs.... THAT GUY gets to enjoy loneliness and rejection. Whereas Drunk Spouse Beater and Meth Mom Abusing Kids.... they have a partner that stays with them, hell that fights against me TO stay with them. That thought was sinking in pretty heavily last night.
But of course… the work waits. Back to work this morning, straight into a DHS phone call of parents that absconded with their children but we’ve located the kids. Need to get an Order of the Court placing kids in DHS custody so that we can take them to the Doctor to get checked out. As soon as I finished and sent that; Thursday Hearings! It loooooks like today we have 36 hearings… all before Noon. So a very busy morning. This afternoon?? Not so much. So I’m definitely wondering if they’ll be pissed if I go home early. I mean, I’m using a vacation day for tomorrow in order to (1) get my Heating system cleaned; (2) get my water softener repaired; (3) pick up my new glasses; (4) drop my clothes at a dry cleaner’s.
It’s funny. My relationship with Nancy became as roommates and strangers, ultimately. But what I find myself missing is having someone around the house. But I think a lot of that is just… COVID restrictions plus this divorce happening at the exact worse time.