Inner Monologue in Current Events

  • Oct. 14, 2020, 2:24 p.m.
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  • Public

My brother-in-law comes home today. My sister suggested the other day that we should have a family meeting. She was feeling torn over the weekend and I wasn’t really in a time & space to help her with that. It feels like they’re starting a story in the middle. Once upon a time now Tom is the axis of all evil for being in the way of our renovations. I had no knowledge about their plans for the basement and it was presented to me as please try and be out by October first. This is what I think is happening, Matt, her husband, has tasked my sister with kicking me out. She hates confrontation and doesn’t have it in her to be blunt. She miscommunicated because she was trying to save face. Now he, behind the scenes, is pressuring her to do something she really doesn’t want to do. The mistake I made was assuming that I wouldn’t be thrown out on to the streets because I assumed that they understood my situation and had my back. I predict that today one of two things will happen. One, we will settle the score, cordially, in which I will be forced to discuss my finances with him which is something I passionately hate doing. Two, he will put on a big production for my sister to show her how to be a boss by being as degrading and belittling to me as possible. I don’t think it will be the latter but if it is I will forever be battling my vindictive side because my response will be to ghost them and their family forever as that is how I handle narcissistic abuse. Either or, the outcome is the same. I’m prepared to put my stuff in a storage locker and then couch surf. Swallowing my pride and asking for help from my friends is going to suck. The two friends I have explained my situation to already responded with Oh I wish I could help good luck… lol Doesn’t look good.

I’m avoiding telling my mother, she’s going to list every single decision I have ever made in my life that was disastrous so that she can have a big told you so moment. She’s a good person I swear! She will feel frustrated and that will be my fault and she will want me to be punished so she will refuse to help. She’ll likely come to her senses eventually as I will now cost her some sleep. I will have to be put through the wringer first. She’ll have a list of everything I should have done in my life, all the advice I should have taken from her. Advice like not pursuing education at my age and not aiming to open my own clinic one day. She wants me to get a dead-end job and save up for retirement. That’s not life advice I want to take. I never get the follow your dreams advice from my mother. Her life experiences never gave her that opportunity. She had me when she was young. She put her own dreams aside to raise us all. She was sixteen and pregnant before it was cool. Thank god she recognized me as not her body because she was absolutely pressured to get an abortion. Anyway, every time she tried to advance herself in life it went nowhere, sadly. She retires in a couple of years at 55 though. My family doctor was forty when he went to medical school so he’s my inspiration right now. Anyway, my mother will react like I am some terrorist that is ruining my sister and husband’s life. Then act like I am trying to ruin hers. I’m going to sound like such a sibling right now but if I was my brother she would absolutely feel sorry for me and take me in no questions asked. My other sister as well. Addiction is the only time she is sympathetic. Unfortunately, I am not an addict so I’m held at a different standard. I’m functionally retarded to her lol. Only addicts end up losing everything, that’s her thinking… I assume. She doesn’t really understand mental disorders but that’s okay. April of last year she had a disturbing side effect from a new prescription. It gave her depression and suicidal ideations. She reached out to me because she didn’t know how to relate to anyone during that time in her life. She said it made her think of me because she remembers watching me lay on my bedroom floor completely shut out from the world and she always wondered what it was exactly that I was experiencing. She’s fine now. I don’t know if this paragraph is me trying to emotionally prepare myself to hear it or if I’m projecting in some kind of way? Maybe it’s both? My mother and I are so much alike. The things you don’t like about other people are the things you don’t like about yourself. Luckily, I do not externalize my validation. I didn’t grow up feeling jaded about never having made anyone proud of me. No T no shade. If you’re wondering where my father is in this story he’s dead. He died when I was eight and he’s going to be dead for a really long time.

Toni… the English language does not have the requisiste words I need to express my level of disappointment in her. Even after I pulled it out of her that she does not want to move in together she still tried to pretend that she did to save face. Like, I’m gay but I can at least be straight with people. The world doesn’t owe me anything, I don’t feel jaded that people have self-interests I’m just upset with the miscommunication. It does swing both ways but I have to take a lot at face value if I don’t want to manterrupt and put words in people’s mouths. Anyway, I can’t think too big. That’s a habit that no longer serves me. It created anxiety which is ll about control. I can only go one task at a time here. I’m still throwing my resume around but my obvious new priority is figuring out where I’m going to live and how I’m going to live.

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